It’s time to settle the debate once and for all. For weeks now, students at the U have speculated about Billy Edwards’ middle name. Now that Edwards has been elected Associated Students of the University of Utah president, people are absolutely dying to know.
I am here to set the record straight. Come on, people! Billy Edwards’ middle name is obvious. His middle name is Goat. That’s right, Billy Goat Edwards.
Of course, Edwards and his family will deny this. They will admit to you that Billy likes goats. Very much so, in fact. But Billy and those close to him will continue to vehemently deny that his middle name is, indeed, Goat.
It’s a good thing that I am the smartest person in the world. Otherwise, you might have been guessing his middle name forever.
Want to know some other people’s middle names? Too bad, because I’m going to tell you anyway.
Guess what Bernie Machen’s middle name is? For those of you who believe that our university president’s full name is James Bernard Machen, you need to stop smoking crack. Of course that’s not his real name. Machen’s first name is Bernie and his middle name is Sex Kitten. That’s right, Sex Kitten. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Who else? How about Mike Leavitt? The Guv goes by Michael O. Leavitt. So what the hell does that O stand for? Well, it certainly stands for staunch conservatism, but thankfully not as much as the state Legislature. But it also stands for Ostertag. That’s right, the Gov’s full name is Michael Ostertag Leavitt. You don’t believe me, do you? Well, have you seen our fearless state leader lately? He’s been packing on the pounds, just like his namesake, Greg Ostertag.
Matt Canham, The Daily Utah Chronicle’s editor in chief, also has an interesting middle name. It’s Aperaham. That’s pronounced like Abraham, but with Ape instead of Abe. For you doubting Thomases, just try to catch a glimpse of Matt Aperaham Canham without his shirt on and you’ll become a true believer.
Is there anyone else you would like to know about? Ah yes, I will tell you Gweneth Paltrow’s middle name. Yes, yes, we all know that Gweneth Paltrow is a great actress and that she is ridiculously hot. But her neck is too long. In fact, her neck is so long that her middle name is Longneck. I’m not making this up, people. I was at a bar in Hollywood recently and I wanted a beer. So I asked the bartender for a longneck and he gave me a Gweneth Paltrow. “That’ll be $4.7 million,” said the bartender. So I gave her back and asked for a Bud Light.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.