Thursday’s epic matchup at the Huntsman Center, pitting the U’s student government against its student newspaper in a gruesome, bloody battle royale (a.k.a. basketball) was never fair to begin with.
The participants from the Associated Students of the University of Utah were, on the whole, bigger, faster, stronger and more athletic than their Daily Utah Chronicle counterparts.
But we were smarter.
That being said, in this affair, the pen (or the iMac, as the case may be) was mightier than the sword, as Team Chrony scored a 58-55 victory over ASUU, marking the third time in four years the journalists laid waste to the no-talent, goat-kissing chumps?er, rivals from the Union building.
Though the final 3-point margin was modest, the outcome was never in doubt; after all, basketball is a game requiring decision-making ability?something ASUU (aside from picking the toppings for its weekly pizza luncheons) is notoriously inept at.
The Chrony combatants, lacking any size and stature, took up residence on the 3-point line, resolving to live (and, if necessary, die) by the trey.
Though the gambit did not pay immediate dividends, with streaky Chrony gunning giving ASUU a 30-25 advantage at the break, it paid off big-time in the second stanza.
With prolific long-range gunning from sports writer Asad Kudiya, feature writer Ali Hasnain and most especially assistant sports editor Rory “IceMan” Brunner, the Chrony turned the 5-point deficit into an 8-point lead.
The Chrony camped out on the downtown arc, setting up a tent, building a fire and roasting some weenies and s’mores, all the while waiting for ASUU to catch on. They never did.
Consequently, the stoic, imperturbable Brunner calmly rained down more bombs than Germany upon Guernica before taking early leave of the action to ace an exam in his “International Communication” class.
Though the Chrony lost the lead soon thereafter, allowing those who desperately cling to their glory days as high school student body officers to take a momentary 4-point advantage, a deep ball and two fast-break layups in the last 2:30 gave the writers the game’s final 7 points, the win and the all-important bragging rights.
Following the contest, Team Chrony celebrated by storming the court, toppling the basket standards, drinking like fish and cursing like sailors.
ASUU retreated to its office to eat a consolation pizza.