Frustrated by the dual responsibility of facing a grossly large budget and the loss to the staff of the Daily Utah Chronicle in its annual basketball game, the Associated Students of the University of Utah (ASUU) announced today they would create an inner-office developmental basketball league to help mold budding, young talent into a cohesive unit that actually stands a chance against the Chrony.
“We made this move because we think it will make us more competitive in years to come,” incoming ASUU president Bill Edwards said.
“That, and because the Pizza Pipeline mysteriously cut us off and we are baffled as to how else to spend the money.”
The ASUU staffers’ developmental league training regimen will consist of three hours of daily shooting and a one hour clinic of learning how to guard the trifecta, for which it needs much tutelage.
Developmental league play will begin with an 82 game schedule in August, culminating in the championship game with the Chrony in April.
“It was such a hit in the NBA that…hmmm, pepperoni and parmesan cheese, stuffed crust?I’m sorry, what were we talking about,” Edwards said.
Meanwhile, the Chrony staff will continue to follow its successful off-season agenda, which consists of 500 daily keyboard presses, 10 phone to-ear curls and a half hour of mandatory lounging in the office Lovesac.
Of course, with the overturn of talent on Team Chrony, the new ASUU training is expected to have no such effect whatsoever on future outcomes between the two student groups.