Disciplinary actions could threaten the academic standing of one perpetually tipsy U student.
Ralph Schwartz was found with 27 empty Coors Light cans in his dorm room this Friday.
“They are not mine,” Schwartz said. “I?uh?I am holding them for a friend.”
Dean of Students Stayner Landward says Schwartz is most likely lying, but Schwartz is sticking to his story.
“I?uh?I am a member of that environmental club on campus and this is for recycling purposes. I had to drink the beer to get the aluminum to save the environment. It’s about the environment damn it,” he said.
Resident adviser Reed St. James found Schwartz’s stash of cans when he visited Schwartz before their History of Rock and Roll class.
“I thought he was acting weird. Most of the time Ralph acts weird it is because he has taken one too many Percosets or smoked a big fat doobie,” St. James said. “However, this time it was different. I smelled the alcohol and got concerned.”
St. James and Schwartz, childhood friends who grew up together in West Valley, started to argue about beer. The two got into a pushing match that resulted in St. James being thrown on the bed. His head hit a half-empty Coors can hidden very cleverly under Schwartz’s beer-soaked pillow.
It did not take St. James long to find the other 26 cans under Schwartz’s bed, in his closet, backpack, dresser drawers and mini-fridge.
“I love my mini-fridge,” Schwartz said.
Schwartz attempted to stop St. James from telling the authorities.
“He offered to buy me a six pack. When I said no, he upped it to a 12-pack,” said St. James, who, after further consideration, turned down the offer.
Beer has been a mainstay in dorm rooms, since the creation of beer and the creation of dorm rooms. It is also a violation of U policy that could lead to sever disciplinary actions.
“It make it all the worse that it was Coors Light,” Landward said.
Landward doesn’t know what he is going to do with Schwartz as of yet.
“I can’t break his ‘I am holding the empty cans alibi’ or the fact that no one saw him drink the beer. For all I know, it is perfectly within U policy to house empty cans of an alcoholic beverage under the bed, in the dresser, in his backpack and even under his pillow if he wants,” Landward said.
Schwartz promises to change his behavior no matter what punishment he receives.
“I will start drinking good beers like regular Coors or Bud Light,” he said.
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