The U’s gerontology center celebrated its 30-year anniversary Saturday in the Union Ballroom to mostly positive aplomb. Students, faculty and citizens of all ages gathered together to talk about gerontology, to eat and to otherwise celebrate. However, the night was unfortunately marred by an unsavory, ageist comment directed toward the center itself.
“I don’t know what to say,” the center said after the celebration. “I feel betrayed. Betrayed and old. And betrayed. Oh wait, I already said that.”
The center was referring to a comment made by Dale Lund, the center’s director and professor of gerontology. Allegedly, before leaving at the end of the night, Lund shared a quiet moment with the center, kneeling down, taking off his hat and reminiscing on the center’s front wall with his hand when he said, “Wow, 30 years. Getting a little old there, oldie.”
“This came out of nowhere,” the center said. “We’ve been together for years. I mean, I’ve let him inside of me for crying out loud. I thought we had a bond of trust and understanding, but now I see that it was only made of cement and caulking glue.”
Lund declined to comment on these accusations at first, but later decided to come out with his side of the story.
“Look, this has all been blown way out of proportion,” Lund said. “I have no ill feelings toward the center. It has been very good to me.”
“See what I mean?” the center said. “‘It?’ ‘It?!’ That’s how it starts out. Little disrespectful things like degendering-no, dehumanizing-me with the pronoun game. I can’t believe I’ve been blind to it for all these years. I don’t understand it Dale. I thought I loved you, once.”
“Look,” Lund said. “We’d both been drinking that night and may have said some things we didn’t mean. But that doesn’t change anything. I’m still devoted 100 percent to the gerontology center and to the further furtherment of all things gerontological. That includes the center, so I’m definitely still in favor of the center. Yep. I swear I didn’t say ‘oldie.'”
“It’s the lying that hurts most of all,” the center said. “That, the not visiting and the condescending tone he takes when he talks to me. Like I don’t even exist. I don’t understand it. I know 30 years is pretty old in building years, but I feel like I’m in the prime of my life. We’re living in a very exciting time when old people are finally being treated as equals, for the most part. I just wish Dale could see that and share it with me, with the rest of us.”
“If I had known that this would happen, I never would have thrown the damn party in the first place,” Lund said. “Honestly though, it was an innocent mistake. How was I supposed to know it would turn into some big Anita Hill scandal? I thought it was just some dumb, old building.”
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.