For the second installment of my “harassing innocent people to ask them dumb questions” series, I decided to hit up my second home, the good old Starbucks on 9th and 9th. Whenever I go there to study, I end up having great conversations with all sorts of cool cats who frequent the place. Where better, then, to look for interesting folks!
Here are two Friday afternoon conversations with two U students you never thought you would know so much about.
Victim #1
After undeclared sophomore Lindsay Weber orders a drink at Starbucks, she always says, “dope sick!” and giggles. Sometimes she orders a cranberry-orange muffin or “muff” as she calls them. There are days when her dad, the ultimate “suit man,” meets her at her coffee-shop home and takes her to lunch. Her mother, this utterly charming millennium-hippy mom, sits with her sometimes to read and to talk about the essay on literature Lindsay is going to write that weekend.
I see Lindsay sipping on her non-fat caramel macchiato everyday?always while studying or doing something strange to amuse the rest of the customers. She is the kind of girl who can wear faded Lucky jeans, a white T-shirt, and a five-dollar belt she bought from some dude in Mexico and look bohemian chic. She laughs and you laugh?that is just the way it goes.
In fact, I laughed so hard throughout this interview, that I could hardly breathe long enough to get the next question out of my mouth. My favorite stories about Lindsay came when we talked about her childhood. She is convinced that her school lunches made her a loser in elementary school. Unlike the other kids with their PB&J sandwich, Granny Smith apple, and fruit snack lunches packed in a Scobby-doo lunch box or brown paper bag, her health-obsessed mother would pack her blue chips and guacamole in huge grocery or “airplane sickness” bags. Elementary kids just weren’t ready for guacamole. They would look at her lunch and say, “Sick?Lindsay eats vomit!” Lindsay dug the guac though, so she would yell “Sick!” too, pretend to throw it away, then scarf it down on the way to the trash can.
Just when you think things couldn’t get worse for poor Lindsay, in comes the “grounders” story. Her mom wouldn’t let Lindsay and her sister eat anything but sugar free candy, so whenever they found real candy on the ground they would pick it up and eat it, proudly exclaiming to the other that they found a “grounder.” The best grounders they ever found were some Skittles on a hike trail?score! Lindsay also let me know that in order to maintain hair-upkeep at minimal levels, her head was nearly buzzed and her sister had a chick-mullet. And you though you had a rough childhood.
Her short brown messy-in-a sexy-way hair now is a great improvement. Luckily, Lindsay made it past her elementary school trauma to become the sparkplug, suitman/hippie chick by-product she is today.
Lindsay’s Answers:
JM: What was the stupidest thing you ever did in high school?
LW: Yah know? (That is as far as we got)
JM: Where would be your ideal vacation destination?
LW: Any place with good food and buttons to push. I like to push buttons.
JM: Describe you perfect day?
LW: Not having to worry about school or papers. A lot of coffee and cigarettes and a bit of sex.
JM: What is your most irrational fear?
LW: Being cold.
JM: What do you think of when I say luncheon meat?
LW: Pasty Spam or that thin Leah Budding meat that tastes like eating bites of sand.
JM: If you could be any rock star, who would you be and why?
LW: Probably Jem, you know Jem and the Holograms. They all had really nice hair and great spandex pants.
JM: How would you describe your relationship with your parents?
LW: Tender?like meat.
JM: What did you eat for breakfast today?
LW: Bok Choi and water chestnuts.
My Favorite Lindsay Quotes:
On her pet-peeves:
“I hate people who brag. Braggers, big time.”
“Moms who try to wear their daughter’s clothes. It’s just not going to work out for them?You are old!”
“When sheets get old and form little balls.”
“People who pretend to be afraid of clowns. Unless, you know, a clown killed your father. I can see that.”
“I hate people who like to pop other peoples’ zits.”
“Good times and great oldies,” she commented after the interview.
Victim #2
Andy Campbell is the kind of guy you could form a high school-style crush on?which is probably why I interviewed him. I’m kidding?sort of. He has that, “I could smile and get any girl on earth” feel to him. It’s not that he is arrogant?well, at least not in a bad way.
A political science major originally from Bolton (“like Micheal,” he said), Conn., Andy has a distinctive little space between his teeth and a definite I’m-not-from-Utah, east-coast voice. As far as music goes, he likes Pearl Jam, James Brown and AFI, and the movies High Fidelity, Braveheart, and Fast Times at Rigdemont High make it on his top five list. He’s a frat guy, he loves strip clubs?so he could, to the casual observer, come across as the U’s own VanWilder. Not true, I found. He has his own set of well argued opinions?from Elvis, to movies, to women’s stuff. Just try not to be fooled by the pretty boy smile.
He thinks Minnie Driver, not Britney Spears, is one of the hottest celebrities. Refreshing?I know. Andy is pretty refreshing in general. Yeah, he goes to strip joints, but he has no problem stripping down himself?at fraternity fund-raisers at least. Just the night before the interview, he told me, he stripped down to a G-string for some excited college women. Andy takes one for the team!
Andy’s answers:
JM: What was the stupidest thing you ever did in high school?
AC: Ripped ass in the middle of the SAT’s for five bucks.
JM: Where would be your ideal vacation destination?
AC: Golden Trails on locals’ appreciation night. Cheap beer, good burgers.
JM: Describe you perfect day?
AC: Any day I get laid is a good day?at least a little action is nice.
JM: What is your most irrational fear?
AC: I definitely don’t like clowns?you can fit 40 of them into a car and then they jump out. It’s not funny.
JM: What do you think of when I say luncheon meat?
AC: Any college guy is going to think of the dirtiest thing when you say meat. I don’t know?the New York Stage Deli.
JM: If you could be any rock star, who would you be and why?
AC: Tommy Lee?that is a big man. His house, all the playmates, Heather Locklear, Pamela Anderson. He has speakers in his couch.
JM: How would you describe your relationship with your parents?
AC: Normal. Gwen and Bob are good people.
JM: What did you eat for breakfast today?
AC: I had a Charleston Chew and some Laffy Taffy from my car. For lunch, I had cheese fries, a pastrami burger and an iced tea from the Training Table.
My Favorite Andy Quotes:
“The Beatles are the original boy band.” I tried not to just walk away with that one.
“Forrest Gump was a three hour movie about an idiot.” More lies.
“Carson Daily is fat.” Got a point there.
“Being single and 30.” An afterthought on his fears.
“Blonde hair and blue eyes?Utah’s got in wrong. They are all looking too Aryan.” Comment on Utah’s female population.