Some U students this Saturday will be rooting for Brigham Young University. The reason, of course, is the same reason that everything in this state happens: skiing. Uh, I meant, religion.
The religiously charged nature of “the big game” goes both ways, though. For some, “the big game” is a chance to release all the anti-Mormon bigotry they barely manage to keep bottled up the remaining 51 weeks of the year.
Regardless, it’s not hard to be a good member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and still be patriotic about the U. Allow me to illustrate:
Brigham Young founded the U, not the Y, and all three members of the First Presidency of the LDS Church carry degrees from the U. ADVANTAGE: U
The last two years, the U has beaten the Y in the amount of canned food raised. Last year, the U raised more than 30,000 pounds of food and BYU barely put 22,000 together. I guess the Y should learn to motivate donation by bribing people with pants that make you look like an adolescent clown. ADVANTAGE: U
To prevent vandalism, BYU plastic wraps its statues featuring religious leaders, academic figures and beauty all around when there’s love at home. The U will, of course, never stoop to this kind of paranoia because 1) we’ve only got three statues on campus, and 2) nobody cares about them. ADVANTAGE: U
The U’s student government organizes the best Rock the Vote event Ralph Nader has ever seen, the Y’s organizes dances and that’s it. ADVANTAGE: U
The U’s mascot, “Swoop,” is a sleek, menacing figure of predatory ferocity. The Y’s mascot, “Cosmo,” shares his name with the poster child for hipster doofusism in American popular culture: Cosmo Kramer. ADVANTAGE: Y
The Daily Utah Chronicle is the best college paper in the Inter-mountain West, whereas top stories at The Daily Universe approach topics such as “Skis Versus Snowboards: The Debate Rages On.” (I’m serious).
Even though they have one-gazillion more dollars to work with than we do, they also have fascist dictators censoring everything they write. BYU’s history classes will teach that the U.S. Constitution was divinely inspired, but then the administration will stomp on anything remotely resembling free speech in the school paper. ADVANTAGE: U
However, as I think about this, the Universe would never have let me run an article lambasting Mormon women?and I probably wouldn’t have as mind-bendingly hard a time getting a date as I have the last month. ADVANTAGE: Y
That makes it U-5, Y-2.
However, the U has a worse football team, so that might affect the game too. With all this analysis, you can bet I’ll be glued to the TV this Saturday.
Re-watching my “Fellowship of the Ring” extended DVD.