Imin Azhl
Chronic Sports Editor
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
First-year coach Urban Meyer has taken his strict disciplinarian stance with the U football team one step further-and some players say a bit too far-for spring training camp, which began last week.
In addition to assigned seating at team meetings and adhering to the stringent practice schedule, Meyer has now shown up to practice in a full camouflaged uniform, had barracks set up in the Bubble and told his players to address him not as coach Urban, but as Generalissimo Meyer.
In addition, the U’s football practice facility has turned into a caged encampment, as barbed wire fences adorn the entire half block and an obstacle course stands on the north side of what used to be the football field.
“If we want to be a good football team in September, we need to be a disciplined football team right now. I hear that may not have been the case in the past, but it is now. I believe in academics and discipline, and I feel these are the necessary steps this team needs to take,” coach Meyer said.
Meyer said players are required to wake up and report to morning camp before class at 05:00 hours, where they do 200 pushups before preparing breakfast for Meyer and the coaching staff.
After the Utes go to class, in which there are random class checks throughout the day, the players come back to the McCarthey Practice Fields to engage in the team’s late practice, which includes a five-mile fun run and various aerobic exercises to keep players busy before the three hours in pads.
“I was recruited by coach Mac, and I don’t remember this as being part of the agenda when I signed up to play here,” Ute quarterback Brett Elliott said.
Meyer also announced any scrimmages and practices from here on out were going to be classified, which we here at the Chronic deduced that to mean Utah practices will be closed to the public.
“We cannot risk the danger of having these battle plans and top secret documents getting into the wrong hands,” Meyer said.
Still, the new schedule has many Ute players reeling and wishing for the ways of coach Mac.
“This just ain’t like the ice cream socials and pizza parties Ronnie Mac used to throw after a practice,” linebacker Ray Holdcraft said.
“It’s tough work, but we gotta gut it out and realize it’s gonna help us during the season. Well, except for the target practice. How is learning how to shoot a gun going to help us in the trenches? You got me.”
Still, Meyer felt strongly about keeping his system, which was wildly successful at Bowling Green.
“My goal is to create a family atmosphere between me and the players,” coach Meyer said. “But first I need to whip them into shape, teach them that this isn’t going to come easy.”