Archibald Keen
Chronic Asst. Sports Editor
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
When U gymnast Annabeth Eberle decided to give lowly me a chance and we went on a date, I almost cried due to happiness.
It’s the type of thing dreams are made of-she is so beautiful and such an amazing gymnast. But little did I know, I was stepping into the seventh circle.
On our first date, she seemed so sweet. She was the princess I always envisioned she would be. She giggled at my stupid jokes and flirted with me constantly about my boyish grin.
But after we went on a couple more dates and I started to go to the gymnastics meets, everything went downhill.
Flirtatious punches began to come with more force and black eyes were very redundant for me.
As the “play” violence increased, my freedom was being taken away. I felt as if there were chains on my livelihood. I was whipped and I couldn’t do anything about it.
“Well, I just wanted to keep tabs on him,” Eberle said. “If he is going to be my boyfriend, then he has to follow some simple rules.”
Come on, keeping tabs is calling a couple times during the day just to see what’s going on. I have to call her on the phone every five minutes and then proceed to take a picture on my camera phone to send to her just to prove I am not with another woman. I have to do it, because if I do not follow her rules, she gets upset.
When we go out on dates, I have to wear a collar, along with an orange Pokmon mask.
Going out with a superstar athlete is supposed to have its perks, right?
Am I not supposed to be known as the guy who is going out with Annabeth Eberle-the woman who will lead the Utes to a national championship in the next couple years.
Well then, why the hell do I have to be on the top aisle of the Huntsman Center on all fours during the gymnastics meet with a dog collar constantly yelling, “Annabeth, I love you?”
“Oh, it’s so cute. I love him and love hearing his voice, but I just don’t want to be seen with him more than I really have to,” Eberle said. “Plus, it’s fun to make him do things he doesn’t want to.”
Thanks Annabeth, you really know how to make a man feel all warm inside. Getting a picture with her was a task in itself.
You know, I just don’t get this relationship, but it’s not like I can just dump her. The physical repercussions could be deadly.
The fact she has twice as much muscle mass as me in a single bicep, could break my back in two and that I start crying when she starts to raise her voice poses a small problem.
And that whip she carries around is really starting to cause nasty bruises. What did I get myself into?
“I think he is a keeper,” Eberle said. “We could possibly get married after my career as a gymnast.”
Yeah right-I would rather saw my leg off with a rusty spoon.
Spending the rest of my life with her would be costly on my hospital bills. Look at my boyish good looks-who knows what hot mama will come after me and piss her off.
I know she will kill me after she reads this rant but that’s alright. I am trying to save the next poor soul who sees a beautiful sweetheart like Annabeth flex the proverbial muscle.
God help me.