Mohit Asnoni
Chronic Sports Toker
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
Both incensed and depressed from his team’s second-round exit to Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament, coach Rick Majerus announced today that-similar to last year’s mass exodus of five players, leaving the Utes with only four scholarship players that had seen playing time for this year-he was releasing his whole team from their scholarships and effectively starting from scratch.
“Our effort level was questionable all year. We gelled as a team in some respects, but I just want to start over,” Majerus said. “We need more experience and more talent here. I’m not that good a coach.”
Majerus said he himself would suit up to fill one of the roster spots as player-coach, as a loophole was found in his NCAA Clearinghouse records that stated the 55-year-old could lace them up for one more season.
Though Majerus, who has a master’s degree in psychology from Marquette in 1979, will have to take the mandatory 12 hours of credit, he feels he will be a valuable addition to the roster.
“I know how to use my ass in the low post and I can ball fake and triple threat with anybody around. And I know how to guard my man from six inches away,” he said, though he is concerned with his conditioning.
Majerus’ rejuvenated interest in his playing career stems from his alma mater Marquette’s run to the Final Four.
Departing senior Britton Johnsen seemed skeptical of the former Marquette walk-on’s ability, but said his sentiments were quickly changed after a pick-up game he saw in the HPER complex.
“I personally didn’t believe he could ball until he crossed over [Ute guard] Tim Drisdom and up and dunked it over Bryant Markson,” Johnsen said. “I never saw that in practice.”
“I thought the laws of physics suggested that wasn’t possible by a man of his stature.”
Also, in an attempt to draw more athletic, urban talent like Kentucky, Majerus will dress in retro and has enrolled in classes in jive and ebonics.
Hunger Strike
On a separate but related note, coach Majerus, who said he’d be in favor of canceling the NCAA Tournament when the United States began its ground raid on Iraq, said he would not eat some of his favorite dishes until the war in Iraq was resolved.
“I’m willing to give up steak and eggs and the like, but I won’t give up Einstein’s bagels, especially the ones with the strawberry spread,” Majerus said.