Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

In a move that puts considerable political pressure on restaurants, schools, stadiums, bars, clubs, office buildings, amusement parks, beaches, symphony halls, libraries, department stores, malls, museums and hospitals across the country, Martha Burk, chairman of Women for Equality and the motivating force behind getting female golfers admitted to Augusta National, is protesting the sexist institution of the all-male bathroom.

“It’s sexist, it’s discriminatory and morally reprehensible for these men to take up entire restrooms for themselves and not allow women inside,” Burk said.

“What gives them the right to have their own special, designated areas in public places? Who do they think they are? A woman has just as much a right to use a wall urinal as any man does, dammit! What is so special about their genitalia and bowel movements that they have to take the whole place up for themselves?”

Critics of Burk have pointed out that, in almost all cases of her complaints, women have their own designated restrooms as well.

But it doesn’t matter to Burk, who maintains her position.

“That’s different,” she said. “That’s not even the same thing. It’s totally different. It’s a whole different animal altogether. Women are different. It’s not the same. Leave me alone.”

Hal Elujah