Super water man President, Utahns for Restricted Water Usage (URWU)

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

In a recent press conference regarding Utah’s current drought status and the looming forecast for summer 2003, Governor Mike Leavitt summarized his thoughts and concerns by simply saying, “If it’s brown, flush it down. If it’s yellow, let it mellow.” Words of wisdom at a time when water is so scarce.

I’ve thought about his statement and the importance of everybody doing their part to preserve our precious water resources. With every flush, five gallons of water go down the toilet, but it goes beyond restraining ourselves from flushing more than we really need to.

My first proposition is to refrain from any physical activity that will induce a sweat. We could then shower or bathe once every three days, like the Europeans do. We’ll fit in the next time we are in Scandinavia. It is estimated that we waste 25 gallons of water per bath and 30 gallons per shower-enough drinking water to sustain one person for nearly three weeks.

Even better, if everyone were to enroll in a water aerobics course, say, three times a week, we would get both the exercise and the shower in at the same time. None of this going to the gym business and taking a shower after a strenuous workout.

Two gallons of water go down the drain each morning or evening when we wash our face. Two gallons! Health experts recommend any of the following alternatives to soap and water: honey avocado skin quencher to add moisture to parched skin; a strawberry yogurt face mask to “clarify, refresh, and rejuvenate the complexion;” and a honey oatmeal face mask recommended for oilier complexions. Each is good for your skin and makes a great morning treat. After application and eventual consumption, use baby wipes to remove remaining particles.

Dentists have emphasized the importance of brushing our teeth two to three times per day. But in a recent issue of Real Simple-the magazine about simplifying your life-the point was made that if you are too tired to both brush and floss your teeth, then bag the brushing and simply floss. It is more productive and costs less, too. It will also save a quarter of a gallon of water each time you would have given in and brushed your teeth.

One of the real shockers is that a batch of wash consumes 40 gallons of water! We have become too concerned with what people think of us. Who says we can’t walk around with a little stain on our shirt or blouse or a little odor underneath our arms. When a particle of clothing becomes significantly soiled and others begin to avoid interaction with you, then pull out the wash basin and scrub-like the pioneers used to do. It requires five gallons or less, and is said to better your forehand in tennis.

Washing dishes also requires 40 gallons of water per load. Just as salt water removes cankers, so too, can salt water effectively remove the remnants of last night’s dinner from pots and pans, dishes, and utensils alike. A regular trip to the Great Salt Lake is recommended and highly encouraged.

Let us all be more cognizant of ways we consume more water at a time when water seems so abundant.