Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Editor:

I am writing to clarify something that has really been bothering me lately. The United States is not “the Great Satan” as many Islamic extremists would like the world to believe. In fact, as Supreme Lord of the Underworld, I believe that I am the Great Satan. I have held this position for quite some time and feel qualified to make this statement. I will gladly present my rsum to anyone who asks to see it in the hope that this matter can be solved in a timely and satisfactory manner agreeable to all.

I have unleashed plagues, strife and genocide onto the mortals of Earth and find it quite troubling indeed that the United States is unjustly given the credit for my labors.

I appreciate and applaud Islamic fundamentalists’ efforts to advance the evil causes that I have spent an eternity championing, but I cannot sympathize with their blatant disregard for proper usage of language.

I am the boss of Hell. It’s a big job, and the last time I checked, I was still calling the shots down here.

I’m not asking for any kind of special recognition, but I’d just like to get the credit I deserve.

Satan

Master of Darkness