I’ve been writing for The Chronicle for a while now-some of you may have even noticed my name while scanning for B&D Burger coupons in the feature section.
As an old timer, I have to keep things new and exciting-you know, give the kiddies what they want.
Therefore, my editor and I have decided to create something new for my column to keep things interesting.
Are you ready for this?
Do you understand what is happening?
(Insert obligatory anticipatory pause here…) The Chrony’s first ever advice column, written by yours truly.
At this moment, I am sure it is difficult to contain your excitement.
But I must tell you that there is a little black cloud hanging over this groundbreaking moment in history.
Yes, to my disappointment I have realized that people actually have to e-mail me problems in order for me to write an advice column.
Shocking, I know.
E-mailing your problems to a stranger may seem frightening at first, but I won’t let you down.
Please, please, don’t hesitate to send me your problems regarding school, family, love or anything else really.
I’m not picky. I just want your problems.
In fact, I want them so badly that I have complied a list of the many reasons why you should send your problems to me:
-My friends can only send me their fake questions for so long.
-My life is like a “bloopers” video with circus music as the soundtrack.
Who better to save you from doing stupid things than the queen herself?
-Shrinks are expensive.
-Anti-depressants cause erectile dysfunction.
-While I cannot answer medical questions of erectile dysfunction, I can help you cope emotionally with such problems.
-I can promise, unlike Dr. Phil, that I will give you advice without using farm metaphors-unless of course the situation absolutely calls for some kind of bovine or equine reference.
-You promised me at the bar the other night…What, don’t you remember?
-While other third-graders went outside for recess, I set up an office between the cubbies and the coat rack where I would talk to fellow classmates about their problems.
-Ann Landers died.
-Your problem can be completely anonymous.
You can even come up with clever names like “Dateless in the dorms” or “Pissed off at parents.”
-Freshmen: I can be your best friend.
Need to know how to get out of a dorm contract?
Need help dealing with your alcoholic, chain smoking, bisexual roommate? Look no further.
-Please, please, I love you, please.
-All it takes is a quick, painless e-mail.
-Finally, and perhaps best of all, writing an advice column would keep me away from my usual liberal banter. How ’bout that-you’d like that, wouldn’t you?
So go to your computers right now, folks, and e-mail me.
My self-esteem is on the line here.
If no one wants to send me questions, well, I don’t know how I’ll get up in the morning.