Jen,
I think I need help. I’m a freshman, and of course I am interested in dating. But I don’t feel very comfortable just starting to talk to someone and am not very good at flirting. People consider me a nice guy, and I am also very shy. I thought about writing notes, but am afraid girls might think that is childish and won’t even bother me with a response. What’s your take on my situation?
Sincerely, Kingbob
Dear Flirt-Phobic Frosh,
Put down the pen. That’s my first suggestion. You are afraid that writing a girl a note would be childish for good reason-it is.
“Want to go out Friday? Check yes or no.” You are almost guaranteeing that she will check no, on the off chance she sends you a reply at all. If a super-confident, outgoing guy sends a girl a note, it comes off as original or quirky. Shy-guy does it and it seems juvenile and desperate. Sure, a well written note, if it falls into hands of the right girl (most likely one that frequents Coffee Garden), could be effective. Chances of that happening aren’t too good, so I’d rather just veto note writing in your case altogether.
Dating is about playing up your angle. From your letter, it sounds like nice/shy guy is your angle.
This could serve you well in your dating future. There is something intriguing about the quiet guy-the guy that doesn’t have to make his presence known. Shy guys are faded jeans and white T-shirt sexy-understated sexy. You just have to play it off right.
Don’t buy into the notion that no one likes the nice guy. It’s not true. “No one likes a blah guy,” is more like it. Yes, you can be the nice guy and still get a date. Women don’t date men who treat them like crap because they like “bad boys.”
“Bad boys” are appealing because they usually have a great deal of confidence. Whenever you approach a woman, feign confidence (quiet confidence, not arrogance). We smell fear.
If you can’t feel confident approaching a girl point blank, find other, less awkward, ways of striking up conversation.
The more natural the better-which is easier to do when you have something in common.
Talk to girls you have classes with, are in some kind of group/organization/club with, share mutual friends with, etc.
Also remember that, especially as a freshman, the more activities you are involved in, the greater the chances of you meeting that fine honey you’ve been looking for. Talk-don’t flirt.
Flirting will naturally come about with interest in a certain someone. When you worry about flirting, you start saying things like, “Wow, you have beautiful eyes,” and the girl runs away.
Never act too interested at first (you have a million other things on your mind at all times-even if you don’t) and don’t move too fast. A first conversation probably isn’t the best time to ask a girl out.
Be “yourself”-shy and cute-but not too “yourself”-shy and intimidated. Nonchalantly display the more interesting facets of your personality, like your intelligence, wit, humor, rock-climbing or beer bonging ability.
Don’t take dating too seriously-it’s a ridiculous process.
You will be rejected 100 times just like everyone else, but that is only because the right person for you hasn’t come along yet-trust me.
Best wishes. Keep me posted on your dating success.