Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
The U women’s basketball team demolished a 30-year-old Huntsman Center regular-season attendance record Wednesday night when three people attended the team’s season-ending duel with BYU.
The previous high attendance figure for a women’s basketball event was one, a record set in 1974 when the father of one of the players attended a game. The record of one spectator was tied by the Utes three times during the heyday of the Utah program in the late ’90s, but when three people showed up last night, the atmosphere was electric.
“We never saw it coming,” said head coach Elaine Elliott. “But when those three fans showed up, we knew that women’s basketball had finally arrived in Utah.”
The players echoed their coach’s sentiments and bragged about what the team might do with the newfound revenue.
Each fan paid a handsome fee of $5 for entry, and the team receives half of the profits from each ticket sold. Having never expected the extra $7.50, each of the players speculated giddily about how they would spend it.
Some of the players wanted to use it for a new basketball, since the team is using only leftovers from the men’s team’s historic NCAA run of 1998. Others simply wanted to use it for cab fare, to get as far away from the U campus as $7.50 would take them.
The three fans, considered to be medically insane by their psychiatrists and their parole officers, spoke candidly about their attendance at the women’s season-ender. They argued convincingly that they were not there to stalk the women, even though stalking was never mentioned by the questioner.
“We were here to score some herb,” said one half-mindedly. “We thought ‘Huntsman Center’ was a code word for the place that everyone does drugs. We heard some people talking about it, so here we are.”
In a related story, the breakdown of talks between the U.S. and Canadian governments over the issue of pharmaceutical drugs has resulted in a denial and immediate revocation of all Canadian visas of students living in the United States.
Three of the Utes’ five anticipated starters for next season are from Canada and will not have their visas renewed at the end of the Spring Semester.
In other words, the team is screwed.