Some days, it’s just better being red. Calendar should know: After a freak radioactive sun-tanning accident suffered in our youth, we have forever been the color of lobster. So, we live for days like today, when the Utes and their bleedin’ red fans can lure those blue-blooded so-called athletes from Down South into our neck of the woods, and “give ’em the corn!” as ber-sportie Matt Ouellette is fond of saying. Ouellette, truer words were never spoken. Ever.

Nov. 19Friday

Apparently, the dudes down at Burt’s Tiki Lounge (726 S. State Street) didn’t get the Red Friday memo-they’ve scheduled another color to play their club tonight. Not only that, this particular color is a spy hell-bent on the destruction of the red: Agent Orange with Stolen Marches tonight at Burt’s for $12. Listen orange, we’re wise to your games-Go back to Florida and tell Bernie and the rest of those BCS buffoons that we ain’t giving up no secrets!

Then, with the widespread Utah acclaim you’ll receive for withstanding Agent Orange’s insidious torture (aka listening to the band’s music), take advantage of your newfound fame by attending the Acceptance, Anadivine and Dead Poetic show at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple), also for $12. Acceptance? Think deification, man-these religious zealots will do anything to get a saint’s name in the bible. Sheesh.

Too bad those zealots got the whole religion thing backward. Tithing? Sure thing Bishop, Calendar agrees-God totally would be down with taking 10 percent of little kids’ allowance, too. Losers.So disavow all knowledge of the local unholy trinity (church, accountant and politician) and come get some real soul healing at The Velvet Room with Cali Comm (“Haiku D’etat,” Bukue One, Del Tha Funky and Zion I) at The Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South). Price is $20.

Or you could always go dress up in a sumo-suit and don some oversized boxing gloves at Crimson Nights in the Union tonight starting at 9 p.m. Del the funky homosapien is playing! Sumos or super-emcees?

Nov. 20Saturday

Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy 20,000+ drunk college students on TV! In case you don’t know, ESPN’s beloved “College Football GameDay” is broadcasting from a little school we like to call the U today because, apparently, the rest of the nation is now realizing that our football team ROCKS. Come check out the drunken, depraved, collegiate madness this morning before the BIG GAME in the Rice-Eccles parking lot. Head for the television cameras and the empty bottles of Jim Beam around the reasonably drunk hour of 8:30 a.m.

Speaking of big games, again, if you really had no idea (is that even possible?), BYU brings the anti-freedom, anti-fun, anti-everything-not-Prove-related brouhaha to Rice-Eccles Stadium tonight at 5 p.m., where the Utes will handily dispose of their haughty religious Hail Mary passes without breaking a sweat. Sure, ya’ll might have God on your side, but we’re got one better: Urban Meyer, suckers. Be there. Be there. Be there. Or move to Provo.

And, since we all know that the type of sinful mayhem that is going to be seen in the streets of Salt Lake today after the downfall of the Blue Meanies can only mean on thing, get ready: The Apocalypse is upon us.Yup, that’s right: The end of the world. Beat the funeral madness and Bury Your Dead early, like tonight, at the Lo-Fi Caf for $15. Nostradamus may not have seen the end coming, but Calendar did. One word: Prophetic.

Nov. 21Sunday

And then, on the seventh day, God rested…or so the story goes. Isis-the Egyptian God of Love-however, does not rest on the holiest of days: She gets down. More precisely, Isis gets down at the Lo-Fi Caf tonight at 7:30 p.m. for $12. God, you might want to take a cue from the sexiest goddess around-open up shop, not church, on Sundays. Please the flock and the prayers will follow.