July 29Friday

Calendar’s convinced that Salt Lake City gets a bad rap. Sure, we’ve got that direct-from-Euro-Disney castle/church thing downtown, and just the other day some kid told Calendar we were going to hell because he heard us say, “Damn, that’s a great milkshake.” But Salt Lake City’s a groove town, baby…you just have to look hard enough.

Think about it: Four wives, 34 kids, eight Suburbans…it sounds like a whole lotta procreatin’ to Calendar. And everyone is just so good-looking. Oh, we’re going to hell for that. It’s a sure thing. Our Collective Soul is cursed to eternal damnation: In the Venue (219 S. 600 West) at 7 p.m. for the completely ridiculous sum of $22.

Oh, another great thing about our fair city is all the Aphrodesia one can find if you just know the right dealer. Huh? Roofies? What roofies? We don’t know no roofies. @ The Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) at 7:30 for $10, which is a bargain, trust us.

Speaking of smart, and considering this is Opposite Day and all, let’s talk about Larry H. Miller. It’s only fitting that, on the heels of the Utah Jazz’s reacquisition of Greg Ostertag (a.k.a. The Big O), Salt Lake City welcomes the perfect metaphor for Jazz fans at the Jazz and Blues Fest @ Snowbird on Friday and Saturday at 5 p.m.-jazz on Friday, blues on Saturday.

July 31Sunday

It’s people! Soylent Green is people! Oh, no, Calendar has just ruined the ending of one of the lamest sci-fi movies of all-time! (Also: Bruce Willis is dead, Kevin Spacey is the bad guy and the characters in “The Village” are not actually living in the 19th century at all, but are actually living in the real, modern world as part of a “human sanctuary” surrounded by woods, permitting M. Night Shyamalan to make his annoying token cameo. And the creatures in the woods aren’t real, either. Oh yeah, Spoiler Alert. Sorry.) And all because Soilent Green, A Perfect Murder and Into the Moat are playing @ Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) for $15 at 8 p.m.

So speaking of the ending to “Soylent Green,” that reminds us of our experiments with cannibalism (like you’ve never thought about it). Truth is, the fingers and toes are actually quite tasty morsels, but the real prize is a nice meaty buttock, which makes for a hearty and delicious treat. Anyway, if you want to try to eat a person, eat Bruce Hornsby @ Red Butte (300 Wakara Way) at 7 p.m. for $31.

Wait, 31 bucks for that bum? It’s OK-once you get to past the initial displeasure, it’s all worth it. He’s deliciously chunky.