This time of year, I, as well as the majority of the male race, find myself gaining about 15 pounds, consuming more alcohol than Robert Downey Jr. and burning my retinas with extensive television consumption.
Why, you ask?
Football.
High school, college, pro?it doesn’t really matter to me. I just love the stuff.
And so I decided to rank the top-10 teams in college football this year. You may be asking yourself why my opinion is worth a damn, and I have a good answer for that. It isn’t worth a damn, but read it anyway because you know you don’t have anything else to do.
1. USC: There is an outside chance I may be going to hell for picking the Trojans first, but I like my odds. SoCal should have a mean-streak this season after being beaten in last year’s championship game by a far less talented team. It did lose three of the best skill players in the nation, but Pete Carroll’s recruiting machine never disappoints. Young talent, coupled with veteran threats Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith, should make the Trojans a title contender again. Rumors from camp say that USC will play a few high-school teams next year, as they once again carry the easiest schedule in the world.
2. Notre Dame: Golden Domers quarterback Brady Quinn could probably “throw a football over them mountains,” and he has one the best receiving corps in the nation to boot. Jeff Samardzija (who must have been a golden girl in a previous life) will catch thousands of balls this year for the Irish. Notre Dame has a defensive backfield that has never played a down of college football, but mastermind Charlie Weis should have his chess pieces aligned by the first of September. If he doesn’t, the nightmarish schedule featuring Penn State, Ohio State and USC will pick them apart at will.
3. Texas: Let’s face it, the Longhorns’ losing Vince Young was the equivalent of the “Star Wars” franchise’s losing Harrison Ford. You try to cope with the loss of such a main character, but his extravagant attitude, together with his gritty demeanor and poise are too much to lose. Wait?that analogy sucked. Let’s try again. Losing Vince Young is like McDonald’s losing the Big Mac. It’s the franchise’s best attribute?never mind. Just know it will hurt?obviously. The good news for the Longhorns is that the rest of the national championship team is back and hungry for more wins.
4. Ohio State: Wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr. and quarterback Troy Brown lead one of the fastest offenses in college football this year. The Buckeyes were a couple of plays away from going to the title game last year but squabbled toward the end of the Texas game, eventually leading them to a Fiesta Bowl blowout victory over Notre Dame. Ohio State lost a lot of athletes from last year’s team, and it plays at Texas in week two. Again, young blue-chip recruits will step in and fill the void immediately. Translation: They will be good, then they will lose, then they will finish with a 10-2 record and a respectable bowl win just like they always do.
5. Florida: After turning two squandering programs into winners, head coach Urban Meyer and his bag of tricks headed to Gainesville to pull another Houdini on college football. Now with a year under his belt and players buying into his system, he has a legitimate contender. If Florida had USC’s schedule, the Gators would be playing for the championship before they even knew what happened. Unfortunately, they play in the SEC, which is about as stacked as Hulk Hogan. Quarterback Chris Leak and his crew of miscreants will still contend for a title, though. Whether it will be the SEC or NCAA championship still remains to be seen.
6. LSU: The Tigers always seem to have the best athletes in the nation, then somehow their coaching staff sneaks in the back door, there’s change missing off the dresser and their daughters are knocked up. I swear I’ve seen it a hundred times. Expect another respectable finish from the men in purple and yellow.
7. West Virginia: Wait a minute. This team shouldn’t be in my top 10. How the hell did they get in here? I think my brother Kyle told me that they would be good this year, and I’m a tool, so naturally I ran with it. Yeah, that’s it. They’ll do.
8. Penn State: Middle linebacker Paul Pozluzskiznitzke Devaneskavitch (not really, but doesn’t that sound like the name of a guy who would light up Team USA in the World Basketball Championships?) haunts my dreams. Seriously, he’s scarier than Sigourney Weaver from “Alien” and Uncle Joey from “Full House” combined. OK, that doesn’t quite do him the justice he deserves, so let me make it simple. The award at the end of the year that goes to the best middle linebacker in college football will go to him. Sorry for the tangents. The Nittany Lions always compete with the best in the nation, and this year will not be an exception.
9. California: God bless you, Golden Bears. You’re like a struggling artist trying to make a hit album, but you always have that nasty, much more talented older sibling in the other room that beats the living sin out of you every time you’re about to bust onto the scene. This year could be the year the Bears get off the schneid and make a name for themselves.
10. Utah: Let me ask you this. What kind of a U student would I be if I didn’t put the Utes in the top 10? In all seriousness, I honestly believe Utah could end up in another BCS bowl. But then again, my problem with alcohol could be getting in the way of my decision making again, kind of like that time in Las Vegas last year when I decided to re-enact the famous streaking scene in “Old School.” Needless to say, it was a bad idea. Oh yeah, and Snoop wasn’t there. Plus I wasn’t naked. So?in actuality, I guess it wasn’t anything like that, but I had to fit a Ferrell reference somewhere in my column so work with me. Focker Out!