We’ve all seen the magic.
No, I’m not talking about miraculous one-handed touchdown catches or Reggie Bush-esque cutbacks. I’m talking about something premeditated, something only the greatest athletes in the world can capture.
Yes, sports fans, I’m talking about the fine art of touchdown celebrations.
I’m talking about Chad Johnson, who performed the Riverdance so perfectly it would make Michael Flatley feel inadequate.
I’m talking about Steve Smith doing his best (insert playmate here) impersonation and rocking the Playboy pose (sorry I couldn’t provide an example, but I’m above that sort of filth).
I’m talking about “that one guy” pulling a Sharpie out of his sock, standing on the Dallas star and mocking the Ray Lewis dance. (I’m sure there is a name for the dance, but who really cares?)
These celebrations allow the flamboyant players listed above to be who they are. Sadly, this kind of showmanship has been raped by silly fines and/or suspensions in recent years, and new league rules will hinder the celebrations even further.
Seriously, is the NFL trying to piss me off? That’s like getting a promotion but having your boss tell you that you can’t celebrate.
Then again, it’s not like the athletes can’t still do the damn thing and then pay the meager fine later. So without further ado, here are the “Top 10 Touchdown Dances I Would Like to See Somebody Do Sometime This Year”:
10. Locate Lindsay Lohan somewhere in the stands and steal her jewelry, if for no other reason than so we can see that pathetic “this is going to ruin my life” face one more time. It’s not like she can’t make another crappy movie-they can even call it “Herbie: Fully-Loaded and Extremely Lame.” I’ve got dibs on copyrights to that title, Disney.
9. “Steroid-Induced Clothesline Rage.” Let me explain. If you watched the World Wrestling Federation in the late ’80s or early ’90s, you know who the Ultimate Warrior is. One time, he came into the ring and handed out 39 consecutive clotheslines. That’s right-I want the touchdown to be the start of the pain for the defense. If the game doesn’t break out into a melee, I will be extremely disappointed.
8. Mount a referee. I don’t care what kind of repercussions result from this-it has to happen.
7. In “Remember the Titans,” star middle linebacker Gerry Bertier sprints over to the opposing sideline just to point at the coach. What the hell was the point of that? Was that supposed to scare the coach into making bad decisions? I don’t get it. Anyway, the point is that someone needs to do this?preferably to Bill Cowher.
6. Pop the top and chug. This is probably the most feasible of my top 10, and the only one I have actually ever seen done. Simply unscrew the lid to the ball and enjoy.
5. I love it when professional football players dance. Well, except when it’s Jerry Rice or Jerome Bettis on that terrifying television show. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I loved the Riverdance by C.J. It was well executed and is probably my all-time favorite. That being said, let’s take this thing to a whole new level. I’m talking about the entire team joining hands and performing as one. This kind of magic can only be captured in a Trey Parker/Matt Stone movie.
4. “Sharpie Episode” reinvented. Again, I like where Terrell Owens’ head was with the Sharpie, but I think I can one-up him. After catching a touchdown pass, grab the Sharpie and ask the cornerback for his autograph. Sportsmanship, as always, is the key.
3. Death by firing squad. The touchdown scorer guns down teammates and opponents alike with a makeshift rifle (ball). I’m sorry, but I’m running out of jokes.
2. Much to the chagrin of Chris Bellamy, T.O. broke it down on the Dallas star in the year 2000. Let’s take it further. Why not break-dance on the star? Maybe do some cartwheels? I’m pretty much up for anything that pisses my boss off.
1. You know you’re not going to get through one of my columns without getting a token alcohol reference, so here it is. Jump into the stands and steal a fan’s beer. That’s right folks, this kind of class can only be found in a Cody Brunner-produced article. And yes, I just talked in the third person.
