Brunner: We are coming to you live from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where the No. 1-ranked Runnin’ Utes of Utah face off against the No. 2 Kentucky Wildcats in the 2028 NCAA national championship game. I’m sitting here with my broadcast partners Bill Walton, Dick Vitale and Billy Packer. Guys, we have one hell of a game ahead of us.
Vitale: ZzzZzzZzz (sleeping).
Brunner: I said, WE ARE LIVE WITH DICK VITALE.
Vitale: Awesome baabbyyy! Not only do we have the two best teams in college basketball today, but they are also the best in the past two decades.
Packer: Yeah, Dick, ever since Jim Boylen and Billy Donovan took over those two respective programs, there has been nothing but success. Boylen is in his 20th season as head coach of the Runnin’ Utes and has won more titles than any coach in the NCAA over that span with eight. Donovan is a close second in that category with six national titles and recently got a contract extension worth close to $80 million a year.
Walton: Blub?blub…blub (taking bong rip), phewwww. I’m sorry, what was the question?
Brunner: And the tip goes to Utah thanks to 7-foot-3 sophomore Jerdis Sairzjiikov from Serbia. Utah sure hasn’t shied away from foreigners since Boylen began his regime-there are currently seven players on the roster that were born outside of the United States.
Vitale: Times are changin’, Codyyy! All of the talent that used to go to coastal schools like USC, Florida and UCLA started coming to mainland schools since the big quake of 2016, when California dropped into the ocean. It’s awesome, baby!
Brunner: Dick, that’s kind of insensitive, don’t you think? I mean, a lot of people died in that earthquake.
Vitale: Hey Bill, you want to go to Hooters after the game? I just signed another contract through 2042 that entitles me and a friend to unlimited buffalo wings baabbyyy!
Walton: That’s just fantastic, Dick. I’ve got the munchies like a BLEEP.
Packer: That Danny Deane kid is a real hustler, always diving for loose balls and taking charges. He must take after his father Daniel, who also played for the Utes 20 years ago. I just wish he’d make a shot or two.
Brunner: Billy, he hasn’t missed a shot from the floor.
Packer: That’s preposterous! I know I’m right and I’ll get out of my wheelchair and fight you if you don’t believe me.
Brunner: Take it easy, Billy, I don’t want you having your seventh heart attack over something this silly. Here, just take a look at this shot chart. Meanwhile, the Utes have jumped out to a 30-24 halftime lead. Boylen has really got his guys playing defense, doesn’t he, Dick?
Vitale: It’s AWESOME baabbyyy! Donovan is gonna have to find some dynamite if he wants to bust through that steel curtain defense. These guys hustle?and it’s fun to watch babbyyy!
Walton: Dick, can you pinpoint the exact day when you started using that stupid catch phrase? Because I want to go back in time and remove your tongue on that day.
Vitale: While you’re at it, why don’t you go back to the ’60s with the rest of the hippies you stoner?baabbyyy!
Brunner: OK guys, as much as I would love to see you two take this argument to fisticuffs, let’s try to focus on the game. The Runnin’ Utes have extended their lead to 53-41 with only six minutes left in the game. This second half has been all about Utah senior Bryson Kane. The 6-foot-7 do-it-all small forward has been absolutely unconscious-making every shot he takes and then some.
Packer: Yes, he really has, Bob. His game reminds me of retired NBA star Kevin Durant. He can shoot the outside shot or he can post you up. Pick your poison.
Brunner: My name is Cody.
Packer: That’s outrageous. I could show you a birth certificate saying that you are Bob.
Vitale: Packer’s going insane and it’s awesome baabbyyy! You’re right, Cody, Kane has been absolutely unstoppable this half and?
Brunner: And?
Vitale: ZzzZzzZzz (sleeping).
Brunner: OK, it looks as if Dick Vitale has checked out for the evening. Meanwhile, the Utes are starting to pull away, now leading 74-56 with just under two minutes remaining. I remember I was still writing for the U’s school paper when Boylen took over as head coach of the U. Now, 20 years later, he is the most successful coach in the history of college basketball.
Walton: Well, if you don’t count me.
Packer: Bill, you coached the Akron Zips to a 3-25 record your only year as head coach.
Walton: Well, success isn’t always measured in winning and losing.
Packer: It is in America.
Brunner: And there’s the final horn, Utah wins its ninth national championship under coach Jim Boylen by a score of 87-66. For myself, Dick Vitale, who is now sleeping, Bill Walton, who is smoking a blunt and Billy Packer, who is now clinically insane, so long from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta.
What can I say? I bought in.
