Dear freshmen,
Welcome to the U.
I used to be you. I walked around campus with a look of bewilderment. I read the newspaper in the coliseum that was Art History (merely a speck in a classroom of 300), sent text messages to other humans in “Does ET Exist?” (it sounded so easy!) and slept peacefully through Structure of English (isn’t that a 5000-level class?). I finished the semester with a 1.0 GPA, including an E (it’s better than an F, right?).
High school was over.
I’ve since made up those classes. The great thing about college is redemption is always possible — for a price. I’ve learned a few things. I can’t hold your hand, but I can start you off on the right foot. And so:
1. Do not stalk people returning to their cars.
As you arrive for your first day, happy your parents shelled out the extra bucks for your “U” pass, you’ll find that the closest spot is somewhere in Tooele. First, don’t drink the water. Second, if someone is walking back to his or her car, don’t stalk. He or she will be in a row where a wiser, more enlightened student is sitting in idle with his blinker on.
Parking is a problem here. If someone runs for office under a campaign to put parking underneath Presidents’ Circle, do not vote for them. Do us all a favor and take TRAX instead.
2. You are not Superman.
High school was a breeze. I think my second period was at McDonald’s. I took a few AP classes and ceramics and finished with a 3.6 GPA. The hardest part was trying to pass off my assignments as “water pipes.”
It isn’t as easy here. English professors will scoff at your “Three-point thesis statement followed by three paragraphs and a conclusion.” You will not understand a word your math professors are saying. You will actually have to read books. It’s time to grow up.
3. Enjoy the golf course while you can.
It is only a matter of time before the U shuts down this campus staple for good. Try it out — it’s only a few bucks. The U takes great care of it. In fact, the sprinklers will probably be on right where your ball lands. If a ghostlike old man walks ahead of you and starts putting three of four balls on the green, don’t get angry. He’s always there. He’s nice. He also has a shank to stab you with if you get too close.
4. Avoid older men.
To the young women starting school, avoid older men. They may seem worldly, but they can’t be trusted. If you are approached by one who looks like a young Sherlock Holmes and brags about being the editor in chief of The Daily Utah Chronicle, scream and run in the opposite direction.
5. Watch football the right way.
Early on game day, the parking lots look like a gypsy caravan painted bright red. There is nothing better than tailgating. Barbecue, drink hot chocolate and watch students of legal age shotgun Pabsts (it won the Blue Ribbon).
Take some time to paint your body and get all freaky. We’ll all appreciate it. And don’t worry if the team loses — the coach will be fired soon anyway. If you want to watch someone win, go to gymnastics instead.
6. Read The Daily Utah Chronicle.
It’s good — one of the writers is near brilliance! Leave scathing comments online. Get in touch with IKEA and ask if it will donate new desks to the staff.
7. Have fun.
Study hard, be diligent and party until you can’t remember the weekend. Remember when you thought your high school years would be the best of your life? They’re not even close. Join a fraternity of sorority if you like. Even if they’re not for you, have a good time during “initiation week” — I think they’ve cut spankings down to a minimum. On a commuter campus, it’s not easy making friends, so why not pay for them?
Remember, beer is an acquired taste, sex should not be “dry” and your best friends are your designated drivers — unless they take you to Beto’s to sober up.
If you’ve been offended while reading this, learn to open your mind. That’s what college is for. If you disagree, transfer to Provo. The sun there shines bright enough to melt all your free thoughts away. Which reminds me?
8.Thank God you chose the U and not BYU.
The Y invited Dick Cheney to be its commencement speaker. Enough said.
