Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your mind seems to be dwelling on an older relative this week, and not just because your grandma is the only person who will lend you money with your credit score. This senior-centered outlook might end up altering your goals. From now on, your day will center around not slipping in the shower, catching that episode of MacGyver before you fall asleep and quenching that all-consuming tapioca fix.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This week, you are eerily perceptive of your own and others’ feelings…kind of like that Native American guy with the tasteful bolo tie in Poltergeists 1-20. (I swear, how many supernaturally themed problems can one family have?) At any rate, this is your chance to act on those intuitive hints you’ve had before. Listening to someone else’s heart is not an excuse to motorboat attractive strangers, however. So, don’t even try it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Your social sphere has the makings of a deliciously concocted and delicately mixed camaraderie-cocktail this week. You, Gemini, are the spirits (take your pick among them–I’ve always seen you as a full-bodied Tanqueray myself) –that will perfect this cosmic Shirley Temple. Don’t deprive your friends of your naturally intoxicating nature, because there is a limit to how much straight grenadine one can drink. Trust me.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You are no stranger to voicing your opinion, Cancer. This week, however, make sure you “choose the right” on any issues that might arise. I have even seen people wearing rings that suggest just that. I can only assume they are all readers of my column and take my advice with the utmost reverence and respect, as should you.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
It seems that everywhere you turn, the stern tones of authority are bombarding your restless and juvenile tympanic membrane with what seems to be unwarranted advice. As unpleasant as this auditory torrent of advice might seem, it is in your best interest to listen. So Q-tip those ear canals, turn on that pandering smile and put your iPod on “The Man” playlist.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
This week is a perfect time to get back in touch with extended family (no, I’m not referring to that thing you did with your cousin when you were 6…not what I meant by “in touch”). You might be surprised which family members come out of the woodwork…and the Deep South. Just remember, familial bonds are the tightest…especially when you have to use them to post bail.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You are oddly attuned to the subtle beauties and wonder of the natural world this week. A friend, however, is not ready to join in your Grape-Nuts-eating, Birkenstock-wearing antics, just yet. To win them over, may I suggest a soul-sucking death march through the savage elements? I mean, a pleasant autumnal hike in the canyon. One jaunt to the top Emigration without water, and they’re yours, Libra.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
It’s high time to take a look at your calendar for the coming week, Scorpio. Does it look as barren as the heath in winter? Not to fret. Now is the time to fill your coming days with abounding activities! I believe the senior center is offering a “Baby Boomers Take Back the Night” course. You might even meet a nice Aries there.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This week is all about mental flexibility. Whether it’s assuming a full lotus in the face of adversity or countering some bad luck with a modified plow, your emotional ligaments are primed and ready to go. Just beware not to overextend those around you who aren’t as flexible. Particularly if you associate with Aries or Scorpio: Nothing will kill a good emotional stretching session like a broken hip.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
When the world seems to get you down, you can always find refuge in the comforts of home. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in the place that rejuvenates your mind and spirit. I can recall my grandmother displaying a delicately intricate needlepoint pillow on her couch that read, “Home. Where I go when I don’t really want to deal with you anymore…” Hmm. Sweet lady.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
If your life were a John Wayne movie, you would be the handsome-but-troubled youth with a moustache and silken mustard-colored shirt who dies 40 minutes into the film. Why, you might ask? (Well, aside from the mustard-colored shirt.) You’re too quick on the draw and often jump to incorrect conclusions. This week, don’t be a Buck Johnson come high noon, be “The Duke.” Woo-hee, could he pull off a mustard shirt!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Have you ever wondered what Kelly Ripa would be like after an eight ball of blow? Of course you have. That is your goal this week. Not literally, of course. Ripa has small children and Regis to look after, but that energy level is what you should shoot for. Bust out of your recent down swing, and emotionally free-base your way to the best emotional high ever!