Once upon a time, I thought the U was a safe place to reduce the amplification on my BYU radar. This past summer, it took just one zoobie on a secret mission to change that.
This summer, I thought I had hired some solid sports writers for this fine news-writing establishment known as The Daily Utah Chronicle. In September, I learned I had been duped.
I found out in a staff meeting as I was trying to establish who would be covering the Utah-Air Force game. When I came to Jason Peterson, I was issued a gut-wrenching blow to the chops that I’ll never forget.
I asked Jason if he was going to the football game. He said he was going to California.
“For a wedding?” I asked.
He shook his head as he squirmed in his chair.
“Jason, are you going to Disneyland?” I said. “That’s so cute.”
“No,” Jason said. “I’m going to the UCLA-BYU game.”
No big deal. Jason wore UCLA hats into work all the time. I knew Jason served an LDS mission in Los Angeles, and he had probably developed an appreciation for the school during his two-year stay in the area.
“You’re that big a UCLA fan, huh?” I said.
What came next stopped my heart for at least five seconds.
“No. I’m a BYU fan,” the suddenly unfamiliar kid slouched in the conference chair said. “I have season tickets.”
Tricked. My heart teetered between forcing that day’s lunch all over the oak veneer of the conference room table and reaching over the table and popping that RM’s eyes out with my super sophisticated sleeper hold.
BYU is as vile to me as a cockroach would be to Martha Stewart in her kitchen. Check that — I hate BYU more than Hillary Clinton hates smiles and rainbows.
These days, I’m happy with the decision to let the enemy stay. For one, it’s been fun trying to find a suitable nickname for Jason. “TraYtor J” has stuck best so far.
I also like having a talented writer with a slightly different viewpoint on staff. Variety has always been a good thing in my book.
I also can’t blame anyone for detracting from the Provo military school for boys and girls. He’ll say it is because he ran out of money. I think it’s because he found the free-thinkers up on the hill more appealing. There’s also only so much his imagination could do with the Provo women that hide under their cardigan, overcoat and three blouse layers.
My favorite reason for keeping someone who would rather wear Cougar blue than Crimson red is that it’s always fun to have someone within earshot of the latest John Beck or BYU joke. It’s one thing to have a group of Ute fans chuckle at the punch line to “How is a BYU co-ed like a bowling ball?” It’s another to watch a Cougar fan blush at the answer.
It will also be great to watch Jason lose our bet this Saturday. When BYU loses, he’ll have to walk around the U campus all day sporting his entire BYU ensemble. Theoretically, I would have to sport the same nasty ensemble, but we all know Utah is going to win. I’m projecting a 31-21 Ute victory. The following Monday, I encourage everyone to join in my daily amusement by ridiculing the Cougar fan. He’s tough. Trust me. He’s a BYU fan in enemy territory. It’s in his blood.