I would like to introduce you to the machine-like, the heroic, the immortal: Tim Tebow.
Tebow is accustomed to making history. He has a knack for accomplishing that which no one else has. That’s why he will become the first sophomore in history to win the Heisman Trophy.
Last season, Tebow became a hero for small children even though he accounted for fewer than 1,000 yards passing and rushing combined.
This season, T-bone became the first player in major college football history to pass for 20 touchdowns and run for 20 touchdowns in the same season. Florida’s superman threw 29 scores and rumbled for 22 more.
Tebow is not only a stats machine. Like the Terminator, he feels no pain or emotion. T-train played nearly two quarters with a broken hand to lead the Gators to victory over rival Florida State. He also bruised his shoulder against Kentucky and didn’t hesitate to suit up the following week.
Legend has it that Tebow dislocated both shoulders in a high school game, put them back into place by himself mid-play and ran for a touchdown.
No, that’s not true. If Kirk Herbstreit told that story, I would believe it without flinching, and so should you.
On top of his freakish ability and Herculean toughness, T. rex also demonstrated Mother Teresa-like humility and mercy this season. It takes an incredible man to realize that he has won a national championship and should allow a different team to win this year.
Head coach Mark Richt gets too much credit for Georgia’s win over the Gators. More adept football fans know that Tebow played the “shoulder injury” card, purposefully performing well below his talent level. Nobody hands out warm fuzzies more mercifully than T-bomb.
Lose to Auburn at home? You’re telling me you don’t think Tebow planned that? The guy grew up in the Philippines because his parents were on a Christian mission trip. Charity is kind of his thing.
On top of all this, hybrids are all the craze. Look at the Toyota Prius-runs half on electricity, half on gas. Apple’s iPhones are part cell phone, part MP3 player. Tebow is half-god and half-titan.
For these reasons, Tebow should win the Heisman. In fact, for history’s sake, Tebow should be awarded two Heisman trophies.
It only makes sense. Quarterbacks win the trophy for their passing, and running backs win the trophy for their running. Nebraska quarterback Eric Crouch dabbled in running, and USC tailback Reggie Bush dabbled in receiving and returning kicks. “Dabble” is not a word in Tebow’s vocabulary.
The Gator quarterback doubled his utility for his team. When he wasn’t zipping 300-mph passes into receivers’ hands, he was bowling strikes through secondaries with his legs. Tebow was the ball, and the defenders were the pins.
Timsanity accounted for more than 70 percent of Florida’s offensive yardage and exactly 100 percent of its domination.
Darren McFadden just e-mailed me saying that he would vote for Tebow. Colt Brennan is debating whether to go to the ceremony in New York on Saturday or go to a luau.
The choice is pretty clear. Brennan should pick the luau, because Tebow gets the Heisman.
