Dear Santa,
I don’t need much. It’s been a great year. I’ve lost weight faster than Jared on the Subway diet and have the backing of the great Chuck Norris. So, this year, I hope you can find time to give the gift of life to all the unborn children of this nation, so they might grow up to mow my lawn, stucco my house and take my Big Mac order during my diet-free days.
Love,
Mike Huckabee
Dear Santa,
You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing!
Also, we’ve included a check for a few million in the envelope.
Love,
EnergySolutions
Dear Santa,
I’m lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I’m falling into obscurity. If you could send a headline my way this Christmas, give me one more assistant to fire or, at the very least, acknowledge my existence. It will help me through my transition.
Love,
Rocky Anderson
Dear Santa,
Although I personally don’t need much, a choke chain for John and Barack would be nice. Instead, this year I want to offer my gift to all the struggling illegal immigrants in this country. Please, give them all a driver’s license.
One more thing. If you could take away driver’s licenses from all those lawbreaking, illegal immigrants, it would mean a lot to me.
Love,
Hillary Clinton
Dear Santa,
I feel smaller all the time. I get the feeling the world is laughing at me. All I want for Christmas is peace on Earth (re: Iraq), some Viagra for the economy and a new president.
Love,
The Dollar
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the gift of a winning season this year. The same thing next year, please, and if you could, the addresses of a few referees. We’d like to bring them a special present of our own…
Love,
The MUSS
Dear Santa,
All I really need for Christmas is a bath.
Love,
The Great Saltair
Dear Santa,
Listen, I’ve already killed Sugarhouse, by forcing businesses to leave so that I might build an office tower. I’m on a roll. Since I’m already cruising on this winning streak here, might I also ask that all balloons be destroyed, all puppies be euthanized and-nothing personal-that Christmas be canceled? C’mon, Santa, I’ve been good this year.
Love,
Craig Mecham
Dear Santa,
I don’t want anything this year. I don’t deserve it anyway. I’m just going to take a few Prozac with my Jack Daniels and crawl into bed around 3p.m.
You can skip my house this year, Santa.
Love,
The most Depressed State in the Nation
Dear Santa,
I don’t believe in you, and I don’t believe in God.
Love,
“The Golden Compass”
Dear Santa,
All I really want for Christmas this year is for all those who drink in the state of Utah to develop liver poisoning. Just kidding! I should probably now ask that The Salt Lake Tribune print another letter from me, explaining my wacky sense of humor.
Love,
Bobbie Coray
Dear Santa,
I would hope that we be blessed with success in finding our eternal companion, another wacky group date idea and an understanding of the word “satire.”
Love,
BYU Students who Read The Daily Utah Chronicle