Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Have you ever been driving promptly somewhere important, when a tell-tale 12-foot Cadillac cuts out in front of you only to proceed driving at a whopping 20 miles an hour? We all have, because we live in a world where elderly people still retain the ability to operate a motor vehicle well into senility. Unfortunately, your week promises to resemble this tapioca-fueled commute. If you can be patient, it will pick up like old Florence on her way to Denny’s Dinner Special.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you were an easily recognizable icon in American advertising, this week you would be the Brawny Man, without a doubt. Sure, the scratchy beard and head-to-toe flannel might not seem appealing right away, but you have the potential to be both attractive and handy, not to mention super-absorbent…and who doesn’t want that?
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
If you have been feeling under the weather as of late, it’s time you stop ignoring your symptoms. This week you need to approach your health like a doctor. Find a paper dress, sit in a cold and unflatteringly lit room for at least 45 minutes, then after terrifying yourself with the possibility that you are either pregnant and/or finally have ebola, arrive at the conclusion that it’s just a cold, and there’s nothing to be done. Also, find a way to dispose of $20 in the process.
Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
As a fellow Cancer, I feel absolutely no need to word this delicately. You have an excessively hard time making decisions. Whether it’s what to order on the menu, the quickest way to get somewhere or whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire, something has got to give. This week follow your gut, and if it ends in a fiery blaze of impulsive glory, so be it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week calls for you take on a new duty. Some might suggest volunteer opportunities or exploring a new hobby. I, however, am going to suggest you challenge yourself by making things more challenging for others. If your roommate delicately arranges the throw pillows on the couch, drop-kick them across the room. If someone has a newly washed car, smother it in a variety of condiments. If the police subsequently arrest you…um…don’t resist. Calling your parents to post bail will be enough of a challenge.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Usually I’m the first person to encourage people to reach out for a helping hand. However, this week I’m going to call upon the words of the most precious of Canada’s National Treasures, Alanis Morissette. This week you will encounter “some good advice that you just can’t take,” so don’t.
That’s my advice (and it isn’t ironic).
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As the renowned director of “Debbie Does Dallas” was known for saying, this week you need to go deep…conversationally speaking, of course. You are long overdue for some hardcore discourse, so don’t settle for the intellectual fluffers around you. This week, explore the potential for some down and dirty dialogue. You won’t be disappointed (because talk always beats a pearl necklace, creepily strokes patchy moustache and gold chain).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Achieving your vision of the future is within your reach this week. You have all the tools necessary for an incredible journey into your potential, none of which include a Delorian, being referred to as “McFly” or the early stages of Parkinson’s…so be thankful.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Do you ever wish your life was like that movie with Jennifer Lopez, where she could control dreams? No, not “Gigli,” that other one. Well, I hate to break it to you, Selena, but it ain’t. So get your head out of the clouds and your hiney into some high-waisted jeans. It’s time to get to work.
Capricorn (November 22 – December 21)
Not many people know this, but the term “Siamese Twins” was coined to market a pair of Chinese conjoined twins, named Yang and Chang…or Ping and Ling…no, those are the pandas. Anyway, long story short, they ended up having like 84 kids, and you need to stick close to those around you…much like a conjoined twin would have to…does that reference seems any less obscure now?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Do you remember that kid in your elementary school who was consistently held back, in the hopes that he would either catch up or his parents would opt for home schooling? This week, you happen to be the astrological equivalent of this kid. Hang in there. You might be awkwardly over-developed and painfully uneducated, but there’s always that job at the DMV awaiting you!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If Taurus is the Brawny Man this week, you are Mr. Clean. Sure you derive an inappropriate amount of pleasure from cleaning kitchen and bathroom surfaces. You’re bald, and your overly tight white T-shirt and sliver earring are sexually ambiguous. The important thing is you are proud of who you are. Now go sanitize every bathroom on Fire Island — believe me, they need it.