I want you, Leilani Mitchell. Now, before you mistake this for some love letter, let me assure you that this is quite the opposite.
I’m using this forum to call you out. I’m challenging you to a not-so-friendly game of one-on-one basketball.
I want to see what all this hype is about: No. 4 in the nation in assists, bound for the pros and a powder keg of speed all contained within, what, 65 inches? I’m not buying it until I see it up close and in person.
I’m giving you until high noon to show your face on the courts where I’ll be waiting. Look for me in the knee-high socks, mid-thigh shorts and a head band. Not that I usually need to resort to fear-inducing tactics with street gear, but if you were a true baller, you wouldn’t be intimidated.
Actually, in my boundless mercy, I will grant you two weeks to get yourself in shape. You might think 30-some-odd games leading the Utes to their best regular season in history and a berth in the NCAA tournament would be enough preparation, but you haven’t played the Scorpion yet, have you? ‘Cause baby, it stings losing to me.
I’ll be spending my two weeks keeping the old hook shot fresh at the YMCA with my pal, Kurt Rambis. He’s helping me perfect my underhand free throws in addition to an array of pump fakes, stutter steps and some mind-blowing sleight-of-hand tricks. Pete Maravich ain’t got nothing on me.
I realize this might seem unfair to use my position with the newspaper to subject you to peer pressure. It’s just that when someone is about to be on the receiving end of a colossal embarrassment, coverage is in order. Try to ignore the other staff writers and photographers who will be attending our little court session.
We should probably lay some ground rules for your safety. First, no hand checks. Scorpions don’t like to be touched.
Second, I understand you’re more comfortable with the standard women’s basketball. Luckily for you, my talent level is equal with either men or women’s sizes, so women’s it is.
Finally, the game will be first to 21 by ones and twos behind closed doors, to limit the already needless amount of humiliation.I’m already daydreaming about it: I start with my patented shimmy followed by a semi-crossover (which is where I begin the motions of a Jerry West crossover but instead totally psych you out and don’t really do it at all).
You won’t be able to follow my eyes behind the orange-tinted goggles, and by the time you wonder, “Which way is he gonna go?” you’ll barely catch my backside as I complete the sickest layup you’ve ever seen.
I am fully aware that you are the only girl in a family of six kids. In fact, you probably eat the other men for lunch in pick-up games.
However, this isn’t a battle of sexes. As you’ll quickly find out, I’m all insect. And within the next two weeks, someone will be squashed, Mitchell.
Sports Editor’s note: The first time I played basketball with Jason, he compared himself to Dr. J. Because Peterson resembles the Doc in no way shape or form, The Daily Utah Chronicle line on this game is Mitchell -12.5. The game is scheduled for next week in the Huntsman Center. Time and date are to be determined. The hand-checking rule was established for Mitchell’s protection.
