Don’t pretend like it doesn’t feel good. Yeah, you know you like it when I slide that card through the checkout line. Mmm, I bet you feel like doing it again and again, till that magnetic strip runs bare, even at the ridiculously low 5.99 percent APR.
I know you act like you’re better than a low APR and more conservative (or so you’d like to think). You pretend you only like it at 13.99 percent and above with restrictions on balance transfers and penalties without a reward system. But you and I know different. Sure, at first you seemed hesitant to concede to my “perverse” requests, but before you knew it, you were begging to give me airline miles without blackout dates and 1 percent cashback rewards on purchases.
And it felt good, too.
I can still remember your face when I suggested going for a low APR: vulnerable — the same way I am when faced with overdraft and late payment fees or mentions of a credit score. But then I mentioned my buddy Chris and how much his card loves a little taste of low, and, if it feels good, zero percent APR. We both know zero percent might be a little too low (for now), but I could sense your inclination, already beating through your thin, plastic body.
Ooh, just remembering you shuffling through the files of an office executive somewhere in Malaysia, asking me what you should wear or if I wanted to “personalize” your new outfit, makes me hot all over, babe.
It only got better from there. Tempting me with fraud protection and no-hassle account forgiveness in case someone else wanted a taste of your sweet APR? You are a dirty, little card. Yeah, a dirty, little card with a big secret — and you love it.
I know we have to be careful around parents and friends. It’s not our place to speak about what goes on in the checkout line with anyone else. Sure, on occasion, at the bar I’ll throw around stories about what you charge me on cash advances (remember Europe?), and how often you compound our balance. But I never share that much — and believe me, babe, the stories these guys tell about their more “traditional” cards makes me love you even more.
I wouldn’t imagine exposing that little tape we made. You know what I’m talking about — the one where we purchased multiple items from multiple websites and tried to order a pizza over the phone all at the same time. Yeah, how could you forget?
We’re coming up on our expiration date, and I can’t wait to surprise you with something big: a major purchase of that new television I’ve been eyeing. Yeah, you know the one, the one you didn’t dream about buying before you lowered your standards, before you showed me your true, wild side.
Yeah, and follow that purchase with a trip to the Gap or any other of your fine retailers with my cashback gift certificate?or who knows? Maybe we’ll get real nasty and cash in those airline miles we’ve been saving. You know, the ones without the pesky restrictions.
Damn, girl, settle down. I can just feel you getting excited. You’d better be prepared to channel that energy, ’cause there’s always tuition next month — and you know how good that feels.
And maybe, I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe soon you’ll want to try that nice zero percent APR.
Easy, babe, I didn’t mean to push it. I’m just saying it’s something I’m curious about, that’s all. Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.
‘Cause with a card like you, almost anything is possible.
Editor’s Note: Jared Sampson is a contributing writer, and long time Discover Card member. He and his card are expecting an addition to their Discover family, with a second card en route for Sampson’s wife.