The worst thing in the entire world has happened.
No, I’m not talking about John McCain choosing a hockey mom and causing old white people to dance badly. I’m not talking about the hurricane alphabet ripping one by one through the southern coasts either. I’m talking about Tom Brady. He’s out for the entire season.
My fantasy football first-round pick is a bust. A friend picked up Matt Cassel8212;New England’s new starter8212;just to be spiteful. The unproven backup now taunts me from the bench along with all the other unused quarterbacks.
The only way to save my season is to get lucky, do research and cost my company thousands of dollars doing it. It’s the American way.
Yes, I hope my boss doesn’t read this, but the majority of my fantasy football time is spent between projects at the office. I’ll be nerding out jock-style during my 15-minute breaks, I’ll be leaving my desk to discuss trade options with the guy in accounting and I might even read stat sheets while sitting on the office john.
I’m a desperate man.
Study after study will tell you that China has gained on the United States purely through the birth of fantasy football. A recent study by Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a Chicago-based firm, estimates losses of as much as $7.4 billion during football season. This is based on the average worker and fantasy owner spending 10 minutes a day managing his or her team.
First off, their numbers are wrong. I spend far more than 10 minutes managing my team. Second, the study is based on the assumption that if these workers weren’t looking for a prospect wide receiver they’d be running around the office creating dollar bills with their minds.
Let’s be honest, technological advancements have made the average worker more efficient, not lazy. Take any average corporate drone, tell him to complete a project by the end of the day, and he’ll finish in two hours and spend six playing Peggle, filling out Sudokus, or, heaven forbid, perusing the free agent market on ESPN.com.
I wonder how much smokers cost the company each time they go out in the cold to die slowly? Where are those reports? How about the old fellow whose entire diet consists of fiber products? He seems to be spending a lot of time away from his desk.
Companies everywhere are cracking down on fantasy sports. While my office already blocks MySpace, Facebook and anything with streaming video, I wait anxiously for the day I go to Yahoo Sports and see the dreaded blue screen.
Thankfully, it will never happen. The managers love Fantasy Football, too. Everyone does. And that’s the difference between China and America. A happy worker is a productive worker. The day you take away all the joy from your office to feed the monster of productivity is the day we lose our souls. It’s the equivalent of taking the names of citizens and turning them into numbers.
We are not numbers, and should not be treated as such.
Now, would anyone like to trade a quarterback for Chad Ocho Cinco?
Nick Pappas
Associated PresFans of all ages enjoy playing fantasy football with friends and co-workers but this week?s season ending injury of Tom Brady is disappointing to many.