President-elect Barack Obama’s first executive order as president will be the abolishment of the race card, he said Monday.
With wife, Michelle, at his side, he declared his intentions before a crowd of stunned press and supporters at Hyde Park High School, where his best friend and accomplished terrorist Bill Ayers moonlights as a shop teacher.
Obama praised the efforts and struggles of the black community that suffered through the civil rights era, but said black youth of today are too busy “smoking dope and listening to T-Pain while they blame all of their problems on whitey.”
He went on to say that since the election, the American people can officially declare the race war over.
“Heroes like the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton made great strides for our people, but I have finally bridged the gap,” Obama said. “Which is funny, you know, because I’m not a minister. I’m not even Christian!”
He then gently chuckled to himself.
In essence, his executive order will be a compromise between the two parties involved in the race struggle. Under his plan, black people will no longer be able to pull the race card or complain about unfair treatment from white people. In turn, white people will have to enroll in BST, or “Brotha Sensitivity Training,” before returning to work, and police will no longer be able to imprison black people just for being black.
Tammy Washington, 57, said she is happy to see the progress black people have made. Born in a poor, rural area of South Carolina, she said she and her family used to have a hard time finding jobs because of their skin color. Obama’s election is proof those days are over, she said.
“Well, I guess there’s nothing standing in our way now!” Washington said. “It took a helluva lot of white folks to vote for Obama, so maybe there’s not too much to be bitter about anymore.”
Rashad Jones, 17, disagrees.
“Man, this is some bullshit!” Jones said. “I don’t go to school anymore because the teachers are crackers, and now Obama says I have to get an education? Well, f*** that.”
When pressed with further questions, he brandished a firearm at the reporter and said, “You better get movin’, white boy. It’s your fault I have to act like this!”
Clearly, there will be growing pains within the black community over the institution of this policy. However, law enforcement and prison officials have also expressed their dismay. With Obama’s policy in effect, they are afraid of losing their jobs, and some are angry they might have to do actual police work.
“I’m sure not happy about this, no sir,” said Adam Leary, a sheriff’s deputy in Memphis, Tenn. “I come to work, eat my donuts, go and find a few blacks to arrest, eat some more donuts, and then go home. If I actually have to do some real police work, I might as well look for another job.”
Without a steady influx of innocent black men to populate the country’s extensive prison system, corrections officers are also afraid they might lose their jobs in the next 10 to 20 years when prisoners will be released after serving hefty sentences for being black on a Friday night.
Some prisoners were initially excited about the announcement, expecting to be vindicated for their unjust “crimes” and released from prison early. However, a statement released from Obama’s representative said the policy would not be retroactive.
“We had to give the Republicans something,” the representative said.
Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should not be taken seriously.