A dark silence has fallen over the U community, as ASUU President Patrick Reimherr was arrested Monday on charges of possession of narcotics and solicitation of a prostitute.
The Salt Lake City Police Department reported that Reimherr’s arrest was the first bust in a recent sting operation targeting local politicians. He was caught in an upscale Salt Lake City hotel with more than a kilo of cocaine and three prostitutes all wearing replica costumes of “Rojo,” the beloved mascot of the Associated Students of the University of Utah.
Although Reimherr’s arrest has shocked and appalled the Utah community, a few people within ASUU have stepped forward to say that it has been a long time coming. Sources said that after his swift and largely unchallenged ascent to power, Reimherr has slowly but surely succumbed to the pressures of his executive position and his own growing ego.
“He started to change within weeks of taking office,” said a confidential source we’ll refer to as Drythroat. “I used to be able to call him Pat, but then he wouldn’t respond to me unless I addressed him as El Presidente. I didn’t think much of it until his actions and demands started to get weirder.”
Drythroat tells us a tragic tale of a good, honest boy consumed by the executive power that would eventually destroy him. The shenanigans started out as cute but are still worthy of pause. For instance, another ASUU insider relates that whenever Reimherr entered a room, one of the underlings would have to play his theme song8212;”Respect” by Aretha Franklin.
His behavior continued to become more strange and detached as the semester wore on. Friends said he started to alienate himself from the very people who helped elect him, keeping only to his other executives and to a strange group of people that no one interviewed thus far has been able to identify.
“I knew that things were getting really bad when one day, as we were walking through the Union, he stopped in midconversation as we passed a mirror,” said a member of ASUU, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It really freaked me out, you know? He just stood there, staring at himself and smiling. I eventually had to just walk away. Poor guy never even made it to the meeting.”
Many suspect his downfall into scandal and disgrace came when his failure as an executive to actually accomplish anything worthwhile clashed with his ego, which was reaching astronomical proportions. Some believe he began his drug use after his inability to get a service corequisite passed in committee.
“Nothing? Why will you filthy dogs give me nothing?” he was heard yelling after storming out of the meeting, dressed eerily similar to Fidel Castro.
An insider told us that soon after the meeting, he succumbed to the growing cocaine and methamphetamine problem that had been plaguing the ASUU office since the new administration took over. Although Reimherr had initially distanced himself from his staff’s wild drug and sex parties, the mounting pressure and inner struggle finally got the best of him. Not much else is known about his activities between the time of the corequisite’s failure and his arrest, but what is known is that he is going to need some serious therapy to return to normal, and that’s even if he escapes a lengthy prison sentence. His former friends were forced to watch his arrest as he was dragged out of the hotel kicking and screaming over and over, “I AM STILL THE KING! I AM STILL THE KING!”
For now, ASUU Vice President Jon Hayes has been appointed interim president and said he plans to overhaul the entire ASUU office, virtually assuring that 95 percent of its staff will be fired and/or taken to jail.
When asked what he would do with his new staff to improve student life at the U, he replied, “Well, we did end up doing one student survey this year. We found out that U students like lollipops, so I guess maybe we can hand out lollipops on Fridays? You know, not just one kind of lollipop but like, every kind. Blue, green, red, purple, the whole works you know? We just want to make sure that students have a choice.”
Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should in no way be taken seriously.