Apparently Hollywood is completely out of ideas. The studios continually search the shelves of their archives looking for something to dig out and put a fresh spin on8212;no matter whether it still holds up or not.
With movies such as “Saw” and “Hostel” making money hand over fist at the multiplex, the horror genre was the perfect place to look for something “new.” Michael Bay8212;the genius behind “Bad Boys” and “Pearl Harbor” started the horror trend when he produced a “re-imagining” of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and last year, Rob Zombie followed suit with his “Halloween” reboot. It looks as though New Line Cinema loved what Bay did with “Chainsaw” because it gleefully handed him the old hockey mask and let him take a stab at “Friday the 13th.”
Rarely in films is a franchise so easy to describe, and to an extent, execute. The plot of “Friday the 13th” is nothing beyond this: There’s a killer on the loose in the woods at Camp Crystal Lake. That’s it. The only thing one would presumably need to pull that off is a moody atmosphere, some tension and inventive kills. Well, nudity too8212;this is a horror movie. But pulling that off is apparently much harder than it sounds. Because the problem is that even with those basic elements, there is one more thing that8212;upon seeing this remake8212;needs to be there but isn’t. This movie needs a soul, but it’s as empty as those abandoned Crystal Lake woods.
When I say it needs a soul, I don’t mean that the Jason mythos need to be fleshed out or a deeply intricate backstory needs to be explained8212;not at all. For the film to work, it needs to appear to those watching it that everyone involved in the filmmaking process is excited to make a movie. That’s what gave all those low-budget slasher films of the past their charm8212;it was clear that everyone had a passion for the story they were telling. “Friday the 13th” seems strictly like a paycheck job for everyone.
Sure, there are a couple of intense scenes, some jump-out-of-your-seat scare tactics, lots of nudity and killings galore, but there’s no rhyme, reason or logic to any of it. Things happen just for the sake of moving the plot along, and the entire film seems rushed and thrown together half-assed.
There are a few scenes that showcase excellent, tense pacing, but they’re all completely undone within seconds and replaced by inexplicable decisions that leave you scratching your head. The continuity connecting everything is a joke, and it seems that director Marcus Nispel (who also directed the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” remake) just didn’t care. Things become less inventive and more repetitive very early on8212;there’s not one, but two prologues before the actual story kicks in. But hey, as long as that running-time quota is met, that’s all that matters.
In a horror movie, there’s always a couple of characters that you know will survive, and the rest of the cast is pretty expendable. But what makes a good horror movie is that it’s full of characters you don’t want to see die. Every character in this film is annoyingly one-dimensional, so it’s actually kind of a relief when they get stabbed with a giant machete8212;the same machete that decapitated Jason’s mom right in front of him, by the way. Don’t worry, that’s not a spoiler because it happens during the opening credits.
The actors are bad8212;and I wouldn’t really expect anything less8212;but the poorly written, desperately-trying-to-be-witty banter makes them worse. They all meet the criteria of backcountry hillbilly, asshole jock, beautiful airhead or misunderstood bad boy or girl with a heart of gold required for all horror movies, but none of them have any range and they all try to stretch what little talent they have way too far.
It’s silly to assume that “Friday the 13th” would be anything beyond an entertaining, popcorn slasher flick, and it isn’t. There are some tense, scary moments and at times it’s fairly entertaining. But the fact is, the original “Friday the 13th” still holds up just fine and this new version was made for no other reason than to make a few bucks. Now that’s fine, but the least these people could do is act like they care about making movies8212;even if they are completely void of originality.
