Pandas have declared war on mankind.
Tuesday night, panda bears disappeared from every zoo across the globe. Police found the pandas’ zookeepers mauled inside the abandoned pens with a message clawed into the bamboo: “Viva panda-monium!”
“It might be presumptive to say at this point, but we think the pandas are planning a coup against the human race,” said President Barack Obama at a White House emergency press conference this morning. Also at the press conference was Marvin Candle, the United Nation’s chief of panda research, to help explain Tuesday night’s violent uprising.
Pandas’ digestive systems are biologically designed to digest meat, not vegetation. Essentially, pandas tried to go on a diet for the past 2 million years to slim their traditionally pudgy shape, Candle said.
“It’s been great for marketing themselves as cuddly mascots and plush toys, but they were going to figure out sooner or later that the diet hasn’t worked and revert back to carnivores,” Candle said. “From what we’re seeing, I think it’s happened.”
Humans are the natural target of their thirst for blood, said Juliet Burke, president of the Wildlife Conservation Society. The black and white beasts have a bitter score to settle with mankind for hunting their species to near extinction, she said.
“Imagine if we were hunted, slaughtered and imprisoned by another species for thousands of years,” Burke said. “What would we do? We would rise up and take revenge. That’s what’s happening now.”
National Security Adviser James LaFleur formed an emergency task force this morning to locate and capture all 74 pandas that escaped from their cages.
In light of the zookeepers’ deaths, China has agreed to send its military police into the natural panda reserves. If the world’s pandas are going to set up headquarters anywhere, it would be in the panda conservation reserves in China’s forested mountains, LaFleur said.
Obama gave assurances that humanity is well-armed against an impending panda uprising. However, reflecting the growing anxiety around the world of a looming war between man and panda, the president’s voice trembled as he spoke.
“The fact is, there is no guarantee we can beat them,” he said. “We can point all the guns and missiles we want, but at the crucial moment, I don’t know if we can bring ourselves to pull the trigger…I mean, look at them! They’re so damn cute!”
Editor’s note8212;This story is not real. Happy April Fools’ Day!
Angry pandas storm through the streets of Washington, D.C. after escaping from the Smithsonian Institute National Zoo. None have been apprehended. Giant pandas are wrecking havoc worldwide in a quest to overthrow the humans in power.