Because of the rise of illiteracy in high schools across the nation, drastic measures are being taken by desperate teachers.
“A wretched soul, bruised with adversity, we bid be quiet when we hear it cry,” said Jane Tearsheet, an English teacher at Viewmont High School, referring to students’ lack of understanding true works of literary merit.
“We must be cruel only to be kind,” agreed Principal Oliver Martext, responding to outcry over teachers’ new policies.
The policy is this: If students are getting so that they cannot possibly understand the language of the Bard, teachers will be allowed to adopt extreme policies to teach them.
Already across the nation, scanners are being set up at high school entryways. Students’ bags are being searched before they enter the building. What is being searched for? Not weapons, as many would imagine, but books. Trashy books in particular.
So far confiscated are several hundred editions of Twilight, a popular book bastardizing the great vampiric tradition, several dozen copies of sordid teenage romances and about fifty fantasy novels deemed to be unacceptable.
“We did let students keep their editions of The Lord of the Rings,” admitted Mark Curtin, a teacher at West High School who backs the cause. “Some fantasy has true literary merit and Tolkien definitely qualifies.”
Perhaps the most drastic measure of all, however, has been teachers’ decisions to teach English classes solely in English. Early modern English, to be precise.
“Ambition should be made of sterner stuff,” said Nancy Touchstone of St. George High School. “Though they do not wish to learn it8212;being the whining schoolboy, with his satchel, and shining morning face, creeping like snail unwillingly to school8212;students must concede the point.”
The idea is to force students to learn the language of Shakespearean English to teach them the evolution of the English language, and hopefully give them a taste for Shakespeare’s plays.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit,” admitted Lucrece Le Beau, a senior at East High School. Classmate Duke Orsino disagreed.
“For my part, it was Greek to me,” he said. “The teachers are asking way too much.”
Some students are rebelling against the enforced Shakespearean lingo by only speaking in the words of Romantic poet Lord Byron.
“Every day confirms my opinion on the superiority of a vicious life,” said Caroline Lamb, a leader of Students Against Shakespeare. “Folly loves the martyrdom of fame, which is what the teachers don’t seem to understand.”
Georgie Devonshire, involved in the movement, used the Bard’s words to make her point. “Confusion now hath made his masterpiece,” she said. “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
Branches of the resistance movement have sprung up in nearly every school supporting the Shakespearean Language Program. Students carry copies of The Selected Poetry of Lord Byron, and sit in large groups in the hallways, loudly reading rude poems aloud, while inside classrooms, teachers try to teach. But they are not succeeding as well as they think.
“Sweet are the uses of adversity, which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head,” said teacher Orlando de Boys, referring to the fact that students who are not swayed by the SAS’ use of extreme tactics8212;which includes tagging walls and windows with Byronic insults8212;are being drawn to the Bard. Indeed, Shakespearean language classes are overflowing with students whose language is becoming tinted with shades of early modern dialect. Perhaps the SAS should take note.
“Cudgel thy brains no more about it,” said a memo sent by Martext to his fellow Shakespearian Language teachers. “All’s well that ends well, and love’s labour will not be lost.” Grinning, he added, “It is odd, but agitation or contest of any kind gives a rebound to my spirits and sets me up for a time.”
Legislation is pending and is expected to be passed soon. Perhaps students should be a little more wary of fighting poetry with poetry.
Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should in no way be taken seriously.