U officials have been working round the clock and have finally devised a new system to help keep things more organized in the event that a future disaster prompts another evacuation. Next month, every building on campus will be equipped with civil defense sirens, and the basements of each will be dug out and converted into bomb shelters. The civil defense siren system, aka “doomsday siren,” was initially developed to warn of air raids in World War II and later implemented to warn of nuclear attacks. Today, the sirens are most commonly used to warn town residents of severe weather, such as tornados or tsunamis. The U will be the first college campus to ever use the system to bolster an evacuation plan.
Each professor will be given an instructional video at the beginning of Summer Semester and will be required to show it in lieu of the traditional first-day orientation/syllabus review. A team from MTV has been hired to produce the videos and make them more student-friendly. In addition, once the ground is broken on the bomb shelters, there will be surprise drills to help everyone learn the steps that need to be taken to ensure safety.
At a press conference, U President Michael Young was asked if he thought it might be a bad idea to herd mass amounts of students into a potentially dangerous construction zone in the name of a test.
“No,” he responded.
“We need to get this evacuation plan ingrained in the minds of both students and the faculty,” said ASUU president-elect Tayler Clough. “The sooner we start, the safer everyone will be in the long run.”
“Where is the money coming from?” asked one reporter from The Salt Lake Tribune.
Young was happy to respond.
“Coach Whittingham was unable to guarantee the same level of success for his team next season, so we’ve cut the football budget to make room for this project,” he said. “The safety of our campus and our students is much, much more important than football.”
For the 2009 season, the Utah football team will be denied new equipment and will have to make do with whatever was left over from last year. The team spends thousands of dollars a year on new uniforms, so next season the team will also be required to wear the infamous “blackout” uniforms for every game8212;both home and away.
“We paid good money for those things, and they’re going to make them worth it,” said Young.
Young said the bomb shelters will be equipped with time-sensitive steel doors, so that in the event of a Virginia Tech-style disaster, students will be safe for as long as it takes to contain the problem. The sirens will also be more effective than phone, text or e-mail alerts because as soon as the sound begins, students will be aware of imminent danger.
The sirens will not be like fire alarms, which anyone could set off. The campuswide system will have a few “triggers” strategically8212;and secretly8212;placed around campus and will need a 18-digit code to access. Only a select few people, personally chosen by Young, will have knowledge of the code8212;hopefully cutting down on potential false alarms.
“I’d like everyone on campus to take comfort in the fact that your safety is in good hands,” Young said.
Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should in no way be taken seriously.