It’s Michael, long time believer, first time writer.
Let’s just cut right to the chase. What happened to you, Jehovah (can I call you Joe)? You used to be cool. The 10 plagues? Instant classic. The great flood? World tour. Sodom and Gamorrah? More like Gimmesodomorrah that. I remember when you’d reveal yourself through a pillar of fire and cloud. Now I have to wait a few years to catch your face in a Cinnabun &- I mean,reallyJoe.
This pains me. You’ve lost your edge. I know, you created the universe and all that is in it that was without form, you make sure the sun rises each day and you put the delicious in my Mocha Frapalicious. But that’s coasting, that’s gen ed requirements, and you know it. Brahman’s been doing the same thing for the Hindus, and He does it without the archangels pitching in on your mandatory day of rest.
And frankly, I’m out if you can’t return to form. And I’m not the first one. Look at the latest Gallup polls. Christianity is hitting an all-time low. Is it us? No. We’re the same neurotic people we’ve always been. But when was the last time you took us out somewhere special? You’re like the boyfriend who stops trying to impress after he becomes a husband. You wowed us with parting seas and raining mana. Then we got married, Christ being the groom and all, and you stopped pulling the Angel of Death, turned on the game and told us to go make a sandwich.
You want me back? You want us back? Go out of your way. Turn Kanye West into a pillar of salt, and trust me &- it’s in the stars &- there’s a few million converts right off the bat. Renew Arrested Development or Firefly and I swear to You, we’ll never look at anothergodthat wayagain. Give us a little something to remember what the old Joe was like.
Just a Good Word of advice though? No mana. We’ve cut back on carbs as a collective. It would just insult us, like you don’t even know us anymore.
Sincerely,
Michael