Dear New York Yankees:
I realize we are not on the best terms. In the name of full disclosure, I am wearing a Red Sox hat right now. But I have a proposition that will benefit both of us, and I am willing to set aside our differences.
I see that your star third baseman Alex Rodriguez — with a $29 million salary — is making more than the entire Houston Astros roster at $25 million. I also understand he is currently sitting on the bench with a hip injury. As a benchwarmer, I would be a better investment.
Wait, before you stop reading this letter because you mistakenly assume the assistant news editor of a college newspaper — who has not played baseball since he was 10 years old — cannot replace a probable Hall of Fame player, let me tell you I can do his job as benchwarmer just as well as he can, if not better. Plus, I could also do it at a much lower cost.
Even though I have not played baseball in a long time, I would be good at sitting on a bench. I am sitting on a chair right now, and I have been sitting here for a few hours now. In fact, I sit in various chairs for most of the day. Sitting is an essential part of my job at the newspaper and as a student. At night, I spend time sitting on the bus, a bed and a couch. I even like sitting on the floor. I think I can adjust fairly easily to sitting in the dugout. I am more qualified to sit than Rodriguez, as I was sitting during my childhood while he was playing sports.
Since I have not played baseball since Little League and I am afraid of the ball, I have zero market value. I would not demand or even ask for anywhere near the salary the Rodriguez is currently earning. I would be perfectly happy earning the league minimum of $490,000. You could even lower my pay a little because I will have great seats to watch every game. I also would not need the costly rehabilitation Rodriguez requires. Just sit me on the bench and leave me on the disabled list until further notice.
During the playoffs last year, there was a lot of drama about how long to keep Rodriguez in games. He was not performing well, but you are paying him a lot of money, so I can see why you wanted to leave him in these games. There was also talk about playing him to keep his ego up. I require no ego stroking. I have little self confidence and no hope of actually getting on the field. You don’t even need to give me a uniform. I promise I will not wear apparel from the Red Sox or any other baseball team while sitting in the dugout.
Rodriguez tends to get a lot of tabloid press. You will not have that problem with me. I do not get out much, so you will not have to worry about photos of me dating celebrities appearing in the tabloids. I will never crawl into the stands to ask a woman for her phone number. I have never taken steroids or any other performance-enhancing drugs, so I do not have an image problem that way either. You can probably fire a few public relations people and save even more money.
I think you should give this proposal some strong consideration. I can send you a résumé and references upon request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Signed, Topher.