The FBI just updated America’s “Most Wanted” list for 2013. The results, although truthful, might shock you.
Listed as Public Enemy No. 1: my alarm clock. How alarming!
The criminal activities of my alarm clock are many. The list starts with sleep deprivation and ends with a loud jolt to my slumber. My alarm clock is also suspected of using blinding red lights to display digital time. The verdict: guilty.
I’ve even tried other alarm clocks. I got one of those nature sounds alarm clocks. Don’t let the nature part fool you — Tasmanian Devils are natural critters, and they can scream. Nature does not, unfortunately, imply purely soothing sounds.
The alarm setting for a rooster call ended up sounding like a flock of vultures going in for the kill. The setting for birds chirping is even worse, though. If those are mockingbirds, they deserve to be shot (my respects to Harper Lee). Neither is a pleasant noise to wake up to.
And if I wake up a minute before the alarm is supposed to go off, I have to hurdle-jump out of my bed to diffuse the ticking bomb that is my clock.
I figure jail time is not reformative enough for this monstrosity of a criminal case. My alarm clock needs some rewiring instead for corrective behavioral change.
To begin, my alarm clock is full of foul language. Every time the alarm starts, the clock is swearing at me: Get the *beep* out of bed! It’s time to get the *beep* up!
But imagine being able to pick a voice for your alarm clock instead. There would be a plethora of soothing choices.
It’d be like those creepy GPS systems with the celebrity voices. But instead of having Joe Pesci yell, “Turn left here, or I’ll break your knee caps,” imagine Jude Law saying, “Time to wake up, beautiful,” in his lovely British accent.
You could also rewire an alarm clock to better follow human circadian rhythms. Instead of beeping in the middle of deep sleep — or during a pleasant dream, perhaps about Jude Law — it would sound in the cessation of a REM cycle.
With this simple adaptation, no one would ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed again.
Lastly, alarm clocks could drown out noises while you sleep. Noises like the sound of your own snoring or a roommate’s alarm clock could simply be filtered out of the room. It’d be a lot easier to catch some zzz’s in some zzzilence.
With all of this potential to positively change the criminal record of alarms clocks everywhere, time is of the essence — literally.