The Great Debate |
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Which Pac-12 mascot would win in a fight? |
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Sun Devil’s powers guarantee victory |
Swoop’s ‘swagger’ makes him champ |
 Pac-12 universities are constantly competing against each other, and it goes far beyond the athletic field of battle. This unending clash drives steady improvement and is great for the universities. But while national rankings and conference championship games help determine which schools are the best in some areas, there is one competition in which no clear champion has been crowned. Today, I explain which Pac-12 mascot would win in a good old-fashioned, no-holds-barred schoolyard brawl. Let’s start by determining who has the softest mascot. That title has to go to the Stanford Tree. Stanford may have a dominant football team and be one of the most prestigious universities in the country, but the sad fact remains that the school is embodied by a redwood. In a fight, the Stanford Tree would get clawed, chewed up and maybe even urinated on. All it can offer in return is some nice shade for the rest of the mascots. Watch out for falling pine needles, though. Those things can be a real pain to rake up. Not much better off is the Oregon Duck. Sure he can quack a lot and will migrate south for the winter, but this Donald Duck wannabe would rather make noise than actually ruffle his feathers in a rumble. In this showdown, the Duck gets messed up. Oregon State has Benny the Beaver who, let’s face it, isn’t scaring anybody with his buckteeth. Washington has the Husky, and Arizona has the Wildcat, but aren’t they really just glorified house pets? As far as street fighting goes, these three mascots might leave a few bite marks, but that’s about it. Count them out early. Utah brings Swoop to the fight, an abnormally buff red-tailed hawk, who could cause some potential damage with a swift aerial attack. Although Swoop scores style points for the way his biceps bust out of his shirt, he’s still a bird. Against some scary competition, this hawk just can’t go the distance. The Washington State cougar is a fierce foe but is outmatched by the size of the remaining mascots. Still, the cougar wouldn’t hesitate to beat up on the cardigan-wearing Oski from Cal. Yes, he’s still a bear, but he would rather climb up the Stanford Tree in search of honey than get in a fight. The USC Trojan brings centuries of battle experience to the table and looks pretty intimidating upon his white steed, Traveler. He would put up a great fight and ultimately be able to take down the massive Colorado Buffalo, but doing so would leave him exhausted and at the mercy of the remaining two mascots. It would be a sad ride home for the Trojan. The final two mascots remain standing because of their supernatural powers. The UCLA Bruin is actually a mythical brown bear. The details of his power are a little hazy, but it is rumored that he can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. Despite a few mythical powers, the Bruin is no match for Sparky the Sun Devil. This guy not only wields a gnarly pitchfork, but he can manipulate the sun’s rays. Plus, Sparky is a devil. He has no conscience and is guaranteed to fight dirty. That’s why (in this competition that will never happen) ASU is the clear victor. |
 If you’re a college football fan, you’ve probably seen commercials for the Capital One mascot challenges. Those are cute and all, but picture this — an all-out brawl between the mascots in the Pac-12. You’ve got the Tree from Stanford being gnawed down by the teeth of Butch T. Cougar from Washington State. The Oregon Duck is flapping his way out of Benny Beaver’s dam from Oregon State. I could go on and on with these matchups. All of those hypothetical situations would be extremely exciting, but let’s be honest here. There is one obvious winner out of all Pac-12 mascots — and that’s Swoop. Call me a homer. Call me biased. Honestly, it does not matter, because I tried to take him out of the equation, but he is the clear-cut favorite when you put in the ring with any other mascot. First off, let’s look at Swoop’s competition. It is pretty scarce to say the least. I mean, come on, a tree? A duck? A beaver? What are they going to do? Even if you look at some of the fiercer ones like the Sun Devil from Arizona State or the Bruin from UCLA, it’s still no contest. This is a joke. Sure, Swoop may only be a bird, but he is the most jacked bird I have ever seen in my life. Based on brute strength alone, Swoop is head and shoulders above the rest of the field. Secondly, let’s imagine some of these mascots will have some special moves or whatever. Besides the overweight duck from Oregon, which one of these mascots can fly? Oh yeah, that’s Swoop. And like we covered before, he is in great shape. He can easily escape any attacks from his foes with the swift movement of his wings. Not only is that a great counter, but it can also knock his opponents off-balance with the mighty wind produced in the wake of his takeoff. Finally, just take a look at Swoop. He easily has the most swagger out of any mascot in this conference. For starters, he reps the arm sleeves that only the most ripped of the ripped can get away with, and boy, does he pull off that look. He also rocks the uniform as well as the athletic shoes. Swoop was built for combat and is ready to go at the drop of a hat. Not to mention the endless amounts of times he has been able to pump up the crowd and keep the energy flowing at any sporting event. It’s this swagger, if nothing else, that will lead Swoop to victory. While the Pac-12 is strong on the football field, it is pretty weak when it comes to the ferocity of their mascots, and Swoop is in a class of his own. |
Great Debate: Which Pac-12 mascot would win in a fight?
September 24, 2013
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