At the moment, I am under oath by the power of the blog and feel compelled to tell the truth. So here it is: I am a horrible driver. To be a bad driver, one must have certain attributes. In fact, I have derived a recipe to explain my lack of driving skills. One part space cadet plus one part compulsive worrywart makes the concoction of a bad driver.
It takes a brave person to admit he or she is, in fact, the ice cream sundae called Danger Behind the Wheel. Just the other day, I was in a car accident. It wasn’t my fault, which is the ironic thing. Nonetheless, that doesn’t make me any less of a bad driver. And since my 1989 Toyota Camry is no longer “A Streetcar Named Desire,” I feel compelled to explain the needed garnishes that complete the refreshing snack of Danger Behind the Wheel.
A Twist of Orange: When you are in the car with me, you will notice I tend to look at you more than the road. Poor Amelie would have a conniption. In driving lingo, a “Twist of Lemon” is a turn of the head.
A Sprig of Mint: I cannot maneuver through traffic. Every time I merge lanes or enter the freeway, I hit traffic like Cruella de Vil and leave fellow drivers with a stinging taste.
A Maraschino Cherry: Like the juice from a maraschino cherry turns the tint of vanilla ice cream red, I change the color of traffic. For no reason, I sometimes slam on my breaks and turn the streaming flow of yellow lights red.
A Raspberry: Since Cruella De Vil and I are two peas in a pod, I tend to scare drivers and pedestrians alike. I don’t always notice when the crossing signal light up with the sign “walk.” Sometimes, those attempting to cross the street jump out of my way and hit the pavement. I imagine the big leap leaves people with bad road burns or raspberries.
Double the Dessert: I tailgate like a madman. If you are a slow driver, we will connect bumper-to-bumper. Like all tasty desserts, you can’t stop at one. And why wait? Any bad driver would follow one dessert with another.
My two-part ice cream sundae plus one garnish makes for a dangerous food course. The more garnishes you add, the better the dessert, or in my case, the worse the driver. Unfortunately, I maintain all attributes. I guess that makes me an ice cream connoisseur.