1. The Full-Blown Existential Crisis
College has been pretty great, but college is about to be over. The comparatively innocuous “What is your major?” question has morphed into an evil kraken named “What are you going to do after you graduate?” and they have no ready answer or plan. These mid-crisis seniors are often found in their natural habitat: furiously Googling graduate programs in the library. During peak crisis season these seniors are best identified by their perpetually horrified just-saw-a-ghost face (psst, the ghost was their future).
2. The First Time on Campus
Somehow this senior has managed to go their entire college career without understanding the difference between an E and U parking pass, so they often panic and park in the pay lots. Their student ID card is scratchless and pristine. Once, one of them asked you where OSH was. It is a miracle they haven’t been run over by a sophomore on a Razor scooter. Through a combination of blind faith and online classes they are still on track to graduate. Be kind to this senior; show them how to work Canvas. They need all the help they can get.
3. The Goldman-Sachs Intern
They majored in something devastatingly sensible like computer science and are currently employed in a part-time internship that pays twenty dollars per hour. Chances are that by Spring Semester they will have a conditional job offer in a major coastal city. They are nothing short of golden. Sure, they are bored and perhaps moderately dubious about working for a financial conglomerate that’s not really in their field of study, but what was that you said? I can’t hear you over the sound of my tuition reimbursement.
4. Fifteen to Finish? Try Eighteen.
Maybe they switched up their course of study once or twice or five times. Maybe their first year was absolutely useless, but they are going to graduate in four if it is the last thing they do, dang it (that or they really, really don’t want to take out another student loan). So they are buckling down and doing four semesters of work in two. Without fail, they wear gym clothes to campus every day, and it is not entirely clear whether they have actually been working out or want to be ready in case they have to sprint between their back-to-back classes on opposite corners of campus. God be with you, my sweatpants-wearing friends.
5. Second Bachelor’s Bachelor
You know them, you love them. They never miss the bus, and their lunch looks like it was packed by Bobby Flay. This is not their first rodeo. The Second Bachelor’s Bachelor is on campus because they want to be. They completed a B.A. once already and thought, “Hey, that was fun! How about another go, but this time in chemistry!” Consider joining a study group with one of these seniors and maybe some of their adult preparedness will rub off on you.
6. Peaced-Out Polly
These mythical unicorns are often heard saying things like, “Today I calculated my grade and if I get a C on the midterm and a C on the final I will pass, so I’m not going until Finals Week.” Not to be confused with Chill-As-Hell Junior, they are taking the minimum 12 credits, and six of them are pass-fail Yoga for Beginners. Can they maintain their overall state of don’t-give-any-craps serenity or will they decide they might need to salvage a B- after midterms? Stay tuned.
