Most wonderful time of the year? It can be, but there’s one thing that often brings the holiday down: bad Christmas music. Sure, there are plenty of classic Christmas songs that no one can resist singing to, but then there are the ones that bring out your inner Scrooge and makes you wish the holiday season was over already. What makes it sad is the fact that most of these songs were written by amazing artists, and it feels like they’re not even trying here. So here is the list of Christmas songs that make me want to end Christmas all together.

“Please Christmas Don’t Be Late” by Alvin and the Chipmunks

Let’s be narcissistic little chipmunk bastards that don’t give a damn about sharing and caring, it’s all “ME! ME! ME!” And are we supposed to think it’s funny that Alvin isn’t paying any attention?

“Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas)” by John Denver

Goodness, aren’t the holidays supposed to be about being happy? It works as a country song, but is quite dark and scary as a Christmas song. Domestic abuse is referenced heavily in the song, with Denver pleading that he doesn’t “want to see my Momma cry.” But guess what? He sees her cry anyway, as he has an entire chorus singing.

“White Christmas” by Elvis Presley

Why is it that Elvis dreams of a white Christmas when he lives in the south where it, like, doesn’t snow? Sure, if he lived in Utah these past few years, then maybe he could make that argument. Except it did snow on Christmas Day last year. Why couldn’t the King cover a happy, upbeat, semi-realistic Christmas classic instead of this slow, depressing and whining Irving Berlin song?

“Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact this song is so popular or the fact that Paul McCartney wrote it. I can hardly muster the strength to even think about this song, I don’t have it in me to explain how awful it is. If you somehow haven’t heard it yet, please don’t. Save yourself.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

For a holiday that focuses on spending time together with your family, this song is actually very dark: letting a drunk grandmother leave the house on Christmas Eve by herself to get her medication. So many things wrong with that one sentence. Why wasn’t grandpa there? It doesn’t matter that his wife was seemingly killed: he’s too busy watching football and “drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Mel” to be sad over the death of his wife. The narrator reminds us in every chorus that he and his grandpa are only ones who believe in Santa. He makes it sound like a good thing, supporting the man who basically killed his grandma. Oh but what a twist! Grandma survives!

Honorable mention: Twisted Sister’s “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!”

Musically, this song rocks! I’m surprised more bands don’t do covers of Christmas songs sounding harder/heavier. But this song has a huge exception: it’s creepy. Sure, the original song is nothing to write home about, but the fact that a child sang it gives the song a special charm that is innocent and sweet. Picturing these old cross-dressers witness Santa kissing their mothers is downright disturbing and raises so many questions.

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