There has been much speculation in recent months surrounding Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s alleged heroin addiction. I myself was convinced of the veracity of the allegations up until a few weeks ago. I’m relieved that it isn’t true, but I can’t really blame people for buying into the rumors. The supporting evidence, after all, is pretty compelling.
In analyzing Carson’s speeches, a number of linguistic experts have noted a striking parallel between his tonality and that of a person who is high on heroin. These experts have pointed out that Carson’s voice is always disconcertingly calm and eerily even. Regardless of whether he’s talking about bombing ISIS, destroying radical Islamic terrorism, rejuvenating America’s public education system or how he used to beat his mother with a hammer when he was a young man, Carson’s soft, quiet voice never seems to rise above the decibel level of a dandelion blowing in the breeze. Carson speaks slowly, unnecessarily drawing out syllables and slurring words, making him sound like he is constantly bored or tired.
Based on Carson’s sluggish speaking style alone, many commentators were led to assume the doctor was clearly a closeted smack addict. I was not so easily convinced. Carson is one of the most highly acclaimed pediatric neurosurgeons on the planet. It was going to take a little more than his speech pattern to convince me that he could be afflicted by a severe chiba addiction. Yet when presented with the evidence that I am about to share with you, I could muster neither the want nor will to deny the allegations. It all seemed so obvious.
Heroin inspires a rush of euphoria in users that sends them soaring up and over the planes of reality for short periods of time. When the peak comes to an end, addicts are sent plummeting back down to the real world. This tends to leave the addict disoriented, confused and unable to distinguish between actuality and fantasy. Carson has been caught in a similar state on many occasions.
During a speech in 1998, Carson revealed that, despite scientific theories purporting that Egyptian pharaohs were responsible for building the pyramids, it was actually the Biblical figure Joseph, who built them in order to store grain. Carson justified his conspiratorial hunch by explaining; “It doesn’t require an alien being [to build the pyramids] when God is with you.” Then, in 2012, Carson stumbled into a speaking event and began to denounce Darwin’s theory of evolution as a sadistic trick concocted by Satan to mislead the faithful. There’s no shortage of video evidence wherein Carson appears to be suspended in the disorienting depths of a heroin-induced stupor. between his claims that Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, that the prevalence of “romantic encounters” in all male prisons proves that being gay is a choice and that Fox News is the only thing preventing the U.S. from becoming another Cuba.
Let’s not forget the truly bizarre auto-biographical narrative that Carson has touted throughout his campaign. He claims to have been a violent, troubled youth, who was often possessed by fits of rage that frequently climaxed with him assaulting his friends, peers and family members. Clearly, this is no longer the case for Carson, who attributes his transformation to the Christian religion. Many people have said that Carson concocted the whole story about his violent past just to rally Christian supporters. Other observers have opined that, rather than finding Jesus when he was a teenager, Carson found the Dragon — a.k.a. heroin.
I was inclined to believe the allegations that Carson was a chronic patient of Dr. Feelgood. That is, until I heard his campaign advertisement, which features literally the worst rap to have ever violated my ear-space. The ad was released back in November, but if you haven’t heard it yet, you have to. Everyone should be forced to suffer through those perverse vibrations before casting a vote for this man, who has revealed himself to be something far worse than a mere heroin addict. That’s a harsh statement, I know, but please listen to the clip before you judge me:
http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/11/hate-listen-to-ben-carsons-new-rap-song
This is the reason Carson could not possibly be addicted to smack. Jim Morrison, Miles Davis, Kurt Cobain, Lou Reed — these guys were real heroin addicts, and say what you will about their lifestyles, but you can’t knock their inspired musical gifts. Clearly, the “brown sugar” endows users with a certain rhythmic flavor that is utterly lacking from Carson’s atrocious campaign ad.
With this irrefutable evidence in hand, I hope that people will grow up and stop spreading these categorically false rumors that Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson is a raving heroin addict. These allegations are an insult to the good doctor, to be sure. But more importantly, they are an offense to the memories of such great musicians as Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and James Taylor. Presidential elections are serious, guys, and we should treat them as such. Stop spreading rumors.