My oh-so wise and backed-by-experienced words of advice to the incoming class of Utes who are now officially “on their own”:

• Schedule early morning classes, but never go.
  Ever. Life is so much better when you sleep in and don’t know what’s happening
  in any of your classes. Deal with failing grades and your furious mother at the end of the semester.
• Make sure you’re hooked up with a flat screen, cable,
  Netflix, a massive DVD collection, an xbox, tons of games, and a comfy couch.
  And then never leave your apartment during waking hours.
• Your grocery list should read: Nutella, cookie
  dough, pizza rolls, Cocoa Puffs, TruMoo, vodka, Red Bull and Mountain Dew. The essentials.
• Don’t go to sporting events. It’s not like we’re
  in the Pac-12 or anything, and have kickass sports teams across the board. Throw
  on a Snuggie and stay home.
• I know your mom always posted your report cards
  to the fridge, but in college you’re really only supposed to have Domino’s and
  Little Caesar coupons up there.
• Don’t go to the gym. Like, ever. Freshman 15?
  Please. I think you can do better. Aim for 30.
• Only stay in contact with your childhood
  friends. Never branch out. People will only try to expose you to new, potentially
  fun and interesting things, and you’ll have to leave your couch to participate.
• Don’t get a job, or worry about boosting your
  resume with internships and club activities. You’re busy enough sleeping, beating Halo and never doing laundry.

Now, do the exact opposite of what I’ve listed, and you’ll be well on your way to having a very memorable and fulfilling experience here at the U.