Lock your doors, shut the blinds and hide your kids because there’s an epidemic sweeping the nation. It’s not smallpox or zombies. Even worse – it’s clowns.
Forget the presidential election, forget the Middle East and definitely forget your Sunday brunch plans. Clowns are the most pressing issue facing our country and no place will be spared their red-nosed, curly-haired, balloon-filled wrath.
Alright. Yes, it’s absurd. How this became a national concern is confusing considering everything else there is to worry about in the world. Why exactly random people decided to don clown gear and head out onto the streets and social media to threaten school kids and passerbys is perplexing. Maybe it went viral like so many things do and inspired some sort of weird copycat effect nationwide. Maybe it’s just a bunch of teenagers searching for thrills, spurred on by the Halloween spirit. Maybe people are so disillusioned with the political process that an armed clown rebellion seems like a viable solution. It’s probably some combination of all of the above.
It’s silly and don’t let it keep you up at night, but there actually is some reason for unease going into Halloween. While a large majority of this sensation is undoubtedly harmless, it’s also a great venue for those select few psychopaths who actually do want to cause harm. Ambiguity is a dangerous thing when combined with hysteria. It makes it hard to separate the good from the bad. It’s probably more dangerous for the people in the costumes than those outside of them. The ambiguity of being behind the clown mask is a huge risk when combined with a person who is afraid and ready to fight back. If they have a gun or another weapon, all it takes is for a pedestrian to be on-edge enough for an unfortunate accident to happen.
Target took all of their clown costumes off the shelves for this exact reason. Other stores should probably do the same. While the risk of actually being mauled by a clown is slim, the risk of innocent Halloween-goers and stupid kids getting seriously hurt because they don’t understand how fear affects the human mind is much higher. Plain and simple, this is probably not the year to pull out the clown costume for that Halloween party or for trick-or-treating. Save it for next year. It’s not as if it’s going to be a crowd-pleaser anyway. A clown costume is probably the most generic thing you could have come up with.
On the other hand, if you’re buying a clown costume for the express purpose of being one of these masked marauders — to sneak into someone’s back yard and claw at their windows, or chase someone with a fake knife — well, I don’t have to tell you how stupid you are. Enjoy spending Halloween in the hospital.
Photo courtesy of Chris Cano