This is one of the most sensitive articles I’ve ever written. I would never want to tell anyone how to be a parent. I’m definitely not the perfect mother. But I think there’s a big difference in parenting when it comes to intent and the way people communicate with their kids. I’m a single mom and I have a five-year-old daughter. She is the best and sweetest girl you’ll ever meet, but, of course, sometimes she drives me a little crazy. What I’ve learned the most in these five years is… patience.
Loving your kid comes easily. It’s natural to fall in love with this tiny little precious human being. But, when they test you, and I mean when they really test you — as in, it’s finals week, you have five papers due, four tests to study for, a migraine, you haven’t slept in days, and for some reason this little child you love so much will not stop crying, whining, not eating their dinner and then you step on a Lego (real life week) — it’s hard not to lose it. But the very best advice I could ever give any parent is to simply stop. Don’t lose it in front of your child. Don’t take all the stress out on them. It may even seem like they deserve it, but don’t scream, yell or show such anger towards them. It’s not worth it.
I have never been a patient person. I want things when I want them. I put myself under unnecessary pressure. I have yelled at siblings, my parents and even partners. I get anxious easily, and freak out over dumb things. But what I’m good at is being patient when it comes to my daughter. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I promised myself I would never scream at my child, and I never have. Sure, I’ve gotten mad and frustrated, but every day I get better at controlling the tone of my voice. When she does something wrong I will stop her and calm her down, whether it be counting to three or letting her go de-stress down in her bedroom. Then I will have a two-way conversation about what just happened and where we go from there. Some days are easier than others, but I have promised myself and my daughter that I will not lose my temper. Let me explain why.
Tonight, I was supposed to write an article about something different. I was getting my daughter ready for bed when she came up to me (mind you, she’s five) and said, “thank you for not yelling at me mommy. I love you.” This took me by surprise. We were getting her pajamas on, nothing special. She sat up on my lap and we continued to have a very open and adult-like conversation. The reason I believe she could open up to me at such a young age and about things I didn’t even know she was capable of thinking about, is because she’s not afraid of me. She knows that if she messes up or doesn’t listen, I will still listen to her without aggression, even if I’m disappointed in her.
This is extremely important to me. If I could do one thing right as a parent it would be to ensure that my daughter could come talk to me about anything, especially as she gets older and the world gets darker and harder to handle. Secrets kill families. They kill relationships. And although I’m not naïve enough to think my teenage daughter won’t keep any secrets from me, my goal is to always have that line of communication there for when she does need me during those horrible mistakes (because she probably will make them, just like I did). She won’t be afraid of me. She won’t be scared to tell me everything because she knows I won’t scream, yell, hit or make her feel ashamed of the person she is. Because of the steps I’ve taken with her so far, I can already see the difference it makes by not losing control of myself as a parent.
Being a parent is hard. Holy cow, it’s hard. But we can all learn from each other when it comes to being a parent. We are all human. So, my advice is to find a way to be calm when it comes to your kids. Of course you need to discipline them, and for everyone it’s different, but don’t lose control. Find a way to suck it up. Count to 10, take deep breathes, walk into the other room, go scream into a pillow, whatever. But don’t let your kids be so afraid of you that they don’t come to you when it matters. I am so incredibly thankful for my daughter. She has saved me in more ways than one, but more than anything she has made me believe in patience and the importance it has in any relationship and in life.