- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Earning Success Now Dependent Upon Good Shtick

January 22, 2002

Back in the Stone Ages of Human Thought?you know, when people believed that polyester jumpsuits made a fashion statement and BetaMax was the future of video?it was assumed that what you knew actually counted for something. Of course, as we evolved and progressed?right into leopard-print spandex pants, neon leg-warmers and cell phones so big they came equipped with compartments to hold your briefcase?we, of course, came to the realization that it's not what you know, but who you know.

Athlete Lights The Fire Within?Literally

By By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief • January 22, 2002

A tummy ache will keep Joey Bumperton out of the Olympics. More accurately, a charred esophagus and stomach will force Bumperton out of the Super G competition. The world renowned athlete suffered the burns when he swallowed a match in an attempt to "light the fire within.

Olympic Flame Extinguished, Relay to Start Again

By By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief • January 22, 2002

The Olympic Flame went out yesterday and all of the blame rests on the shoulders of Billy Thompson. Thompson is a six-year-old cancer survivor who spends his time helping the elderly. He recently won the Pulitzer Prize for his book "Cancer Sucks, But I Like Old People.

No Seconds for Majerus?

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Italian Food Editor • January 22, 2002

Hell has frozen over. Pigs have flown. And Karl Malone spoke of himself without using the third person. While such events have not truly transpired, another occurrence that once seemed to be on equal footing in terms of impossibility actually has happened.

Snow Football?Is There Anything Better?

January 22, 2002

You will often hear a commentator at a football game call sunny weather, no wind and warm temperatures a "perfect day for football!" With all due respect, I disagree. I love watching football games in a different setting?with six inches of snow on the ground.

Gunman Wounds 8 At Local Bus Stop

January 22, 2002

JERUSALEM?A Palestinian gunman opened fire with an assault rifle on Israelis waiting for a bus on a busy downtown street Tuesday, wounding eight before he was shot dead by police, officials said. The attack came hours after Israeli commandos raided a Hamas hide-out and explosives lab in the West Bank town of Nablus, killing four members of the Islamic militant group.

Gunmen Kill 4 at U.S. Government Center

January 22, 2002

CALCUTTA, India?Heavily armed gunmen killed four Indian police officers Tuesday at a U.S. government cultural center, and Indian officials called the slayings a "terrorist attack," saying a Pakistan based Islamic militant group claimed responsibility. Eighteen officers, one pedestrian and one private security guard were wounded, said state Home Secretary Amit Kiran Deb.

U Wins On The Road, Streak 11

January 22, 2002

It was a prosperous three day weekend for the Utah men's basketball team, as it came up with a pair of MWC wins in its first road trip of the year. The two wins extend Utah's winning streak to 11 games, dating back to a Dec. 4 loss to Arizona State. Utah (14-3, 4-0) slammed New Mexico (12-5, 2-1) 81-51 at the Pit Monday night, two days after a 63-57 overtime win over Air Force (7-10, 1-3).

Netters Start Spring with Two Victories

January 22, 2002

As he attempts to build the U women's tennis team into a competitive force in the Mountain West Conference, coach John Tsumas could not be more pleased with the way the Utes finished off their first two regular-season matches. Utah State and Air Force were two of the teams last year's injury-depleted Utes did beat, so both were looking for some revenge this past weekend.

Poor Second Half Dooms Women’s Hoops

January 22, 2002

After the U women's basketball team scored a 67 39 win over Air Force last Thursday, coach Elaine Elliott said, "We just have to keep plugging away and stay consistent." Well, after Saturday's 66-55 loss at New Mexico, in which the Utes shot 52.2 percent in the first half, but just 28.