- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Utes Get ‘Free and Clear’

By By Slobbo Gumbi, Comical Sports Diety • December 2, 2001

Following Utah's bizarre and disappointing 38-37 loss to the Air Force Academy Saturday afternoon, quarterback Lance Rice and offensive coordinator Craig Ver Steeg have immediately agreed to enroll in Sprint PCS's "Free and Clear Plan," in order to eliminate the static which led to one confused quarterback and a bonehead play.

Everest Expedition Ends in Tragedy!

December 2, 2001

Another Everest season ended on a tragic note when two members of the Old Spice Coors Lite Everest Expedition died yesterday (See Footnote 1). The deceased are Samantha Summerhays of Hershey, Penn., and Jonathan Smack of Milwaukee, Wis. Group members were shocked by the horrifying deaths.

Uncle Tali’s New Line of Products and Other Predictions

By By Panda McCann, Comical Opinion Columnist • December 2, 2001

I, Panda McCann, profound prognosticator and seer of the future, will now astound you with more of my predictions about events on the horizon. First, let's look at economic news. Last week, the Taliban, those loveable terror mongers, announced a new line of products to be sold on American markets beginning in January.

Co-worker Complains about U on Wall

By By Rupert FanciPants, Comical News Editor • December 2, 2001

During the past few weeks, big styrofoam letter 'U's of various colors adorned the Union, celebrating the U. As publicly displayed 'U's disappear gradually to make room for holiday decorations, one has appeared in a private workspace, and has one employee upset.

Friends Set Boy on Fire While Playing

December 2, 2001

DELAND, Fla.?A 16-year-old boy suffered burns to a third of his body after his friends doused his clothes with rubbing alcohol and set him on fire, police said. Nathaniel Bates and two friends, ages 14 and 15, were "play wrestling" Thursday in the woods.

Arafat Must Take Punitive Action

December 2, 2001

WASHINGTON?President Bush, expressing horror and anger at suicide bomber attacks Saturday in Israel, issued a very strong admonition to Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat to fight terrorism with actions?not just words. "Now more than ever, Chairman Arafat and the Palestinian Authority must demonstrate through their actions, and not merely their words, their commitment to fight terror," Bush said.

Impossible Feats Expected of Fox

December 2, 2001

MEXICO CITY?President Vicente Fox said Saturday that an economy slumping at a record pace and "absurd" expectations that he would build a new Mexico overnight have made his first year in office far more difficult than he anticipated. Exactly one year after taking office promising a "revolution of hope" that would stamp out corruption, create thousands of new jobs and undo the wrongs of 71-straight years of single-party rule, Fox said many Mexicans had expected too much, too fast from his first year in office.

Botched Attempts: Desperate Patients Come to U to Save Vision

December 2, 2001

Most corrective eye surgeries complete without a hitch, and patients receive the vision they always wanted. But for the few who do develop complications, the experience can be a nightmare. The Moran Eye Center is often the place local patients are referred to when things go awry.

U Awarded for Efforts to Reach Out to Hispanics

December 2, 2001

The U has focused on increasing its diversity with the West Side Initiative and scholarships, and one diversity agency has taken notice. Last week, the U received a 2001 Educators of Distinction award from Saludos Hispanos, a career and education magazine for bilingual Hispanics.

Machen Asks Regents to Understand Research

December 2, 2001

U President Bernie Machen explained the role of research institutions at the state Board of Regents meeting Friday. Machen's comments came only minutes before state budget representatives reported the state's economic situation. Their statement: State monies are low.