- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Inside India: Getting to Work

By , , and • April 2, 2002

Editor's Note: Inside India is a series chronicling Sheena McFarland's first visit to India, the country of her birth, after her adoption by an American family. Columns will appear as they are received. RECEIVED April 1, 2002?In October, when I first decided to go to India with the U, I talked to people who had visited it before.

BYU Story Barely Coherent, Readable

By By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, and By Hart Robb, Daily Universe • April 1, 2002

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New LDS Institute Building 23.4% More True

By By Brother Sallay, Comical Ward Clerk • April 1, 2002

LDS church leaders silenced the doubts and fears of many local faithfuls Sunday when they announced the first in a series of three "special surprise revelations" regarding the outfitting and construction of the new Latter-day Saints Institute building on the U campus.

Mid-20-Year-Old Wanna-be Hipsters Face Depression

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Feature Writer • April 1, 2002

Walter Retlaw spends so many nights crying himself to sleep. A sufferer of depression, he's tried just about every related drug any pharmaceutical company has concocted. But his depression has nothing to do with a chemical imbalance. A family member wasn't suddenly and unexpectedly killed in an automobile accident.

Nuclear Winter May Begin With U

By By Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo, Comical Mental Patient • April 1, 2002

I know it turned out that some of my inside information has been "factually challenged." It's true, last week I found the pants I was sure the Pentagon had stolen. It turned out I just hadn't done the laundry. And maybe another explanation exists for the horde of potato bugs overrunning my house?personally, I still think Rush Limbaugh's behind it.

U Health Sciences Gets Help From Vampires

By By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy, By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy, and By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy • April 1, 2002

A major coup for the ongoing campus blood drive was announced Friday by ARUP Blood Services and the U Health Sciences department. Television station KPNZ24 UPN has agreed to merge its "Got Blood" ad campaign with that of the campus blood drive's ad campaign in an effort to bring more people through the doors at various donation venues around the campus each week.

Comical Gives Girl Scouts Lots of Booze

By By Bill T. Catt, Complaining Comical New Yorker • April 1, 2002

The U is coping with the loss of one of its major student organizations after officials decided over the weekend to revoke The Comical's charter. On Saturday, March 30, the Society of Professional Journalists, along with U administrators, unanimously voted to pull the paper's charter after a Friday night party that resulted in the hospitalization of 52 Girl Scouts due to alcohol poisoning.

Picking Up Own Beer Cans Not Philanthropy

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar, By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar, and By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar • April 1, 2002

It's a common scene: beer cans on the lawns outside houses on the U's Greek Row. And it's one that may become a lot more common. Under pressure from U officials, the U's Interfraternity Council has ruled that if a frat wants a project to count as philanthropy, it can't be picking up their own beer cans.

Dems Vow to Terrorize Middle-Class America

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel, By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel, and By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel • April 1, 2002

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U Student Graduates in Four Years

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar • April 1, 2002

Alarming academic counsellors and shocking his friends, one U student will actually graduate within four years. "I guess that's pretty good, huh?" said Dale Lyndsbout, who transferred to the U from Salt Lake Community College two years ago. Lyndsbout is one of only 12 students who will graduate this year who began their higher education in 1998.